Why the Rename?

I've decided to change the title of this blog to Time for Family, because that's what the url says. I'm not particularly fond of either name - it sounds like some politically-motivated campaign or maybe a craft site. I don't want it to be either.

My reason for launching this site is to provide a space for exploring how to build a healthy, strong family. Not a perfect family. Not a 1950s advertising family. Not a sit-com family. A real, thinking, growing family with deep abiding love.

I don't think we're born knowing how to do that - we're just born with a deep desire to have a family.

Plus, I found a website called Family Time. It's a practical, magazine-style site, with some interesting tools, including a family calendar, a recipe box and a shopping list that interacts with the recipe box.

Family Time: technorati | Turnoff TV | parenting

Our Family Circle: Thursday Nights with Friends

Remember when everyone held Survivor parties to watch the TV show? My closest friends still do that. They're absolutely nuts over the show. For years now, they've met for dinner and Survivor viewing. We joined them a few years ago, but this year, our child has refused to sleep at their house. I think she gets too excited about being in the same room/house as her best friends, who are in many ways, like siblings or cousins for her.

This year, someone proposed eating out before Survivor. That allowed us to participate without staying - and for us, the draw was always the fellowship of friends. But with six children and 10 adults, we easily took over any restaurant we visited. So, one couple decided to just have us over for simple meals, like Tacos (who doesn't like Tacos!) or lasagna. We all bring something to the table. For taco night, we brought lettuce. Another friend brought rice. The host is still contributing most of the food, but we'll wear her down eventually and it'll become more equitable.

Our children span 12 years, but they enjoy hanging out, laughing, fighting, tattling on one another. We enjoy a slow dinner together, with lots of talking and laughing.

Many of us have been friends since college. Since then, we've expanded our circle to include spouses, siblings, and now children. They're not just my friends. They're my family's friends.

I'm so grateful for them. But I know it can be very difficult to find families that really click with your family, who share your values, your sense of humor and gracefully ignore most of your quirks.

I'd be interested in hearing how other families have created family friendships.
family | Family Friends | Family Dinner

Family Gift Idea

• Send a ball through the mail, personalized with the family's name.
• Photo blocks - whether it's the family pet or a favorite portrait. (Thanks to ParentHacks for this one.)
  
• Gift certificate to play miniature golf
• Holiday-themed (any holiday) plate sets. These can be upscale setsor cheap sets you find at the Dollar Store. For $25, my mom bought my family a complete set of plates, cups, saucers and bowls that look fantastic after 5 years!
  
• Museum, park, botantical gardens, acquarium or zoo tickets or membership
• Amusement park tickets or membership
• Gift basket full of your favorite ice cream toppings
• A DVD of a family films that's appropriate for all ages - Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the Christmas Story, or my favorite, Harvey
• A photo album, preferably with some photos of their family and yours. Or, you could give a certificate to a portrait studio.
• Long distance calling cards for family who lives away
• Games. Check out GamerDad's Holiday Guide to find age-appropriate family video and board games.

Family | Christmas Gifts | Simplify Christmas | Gifts | Holidays

Rejected for Volunteering

Looks like I'm on the hunt for a new organization. Dare-to-Care doesn't let anyone under 8 volunteer for them due to liability issues - even, ironically, at their Kid's Cafe. They did say we could donate craft supplies.

We did send a card and coloring page to a child through Make A Child Smile. Since the child, a 3-year-old boy named Logan, likes Care Bears, we printed out a coloring page and Little One colored it for him. Then, I ordered a Send-A-Ball for him that reads, "Smile, Logan and Owen." Owen's his twin, who also has a lot of health problems.

Book Review: The Busy Family's Guide to Volunteering

You may have noticed I've devoted a lot of time to volunteering lately. That's because Christmas is about giving, and I'd like to extend that giving attitude throughout the year. It's a value that's important to my family, along with empathy, empowerment and other lessons you can learn by volunteering.

I'm reading several books on the subject, but by far my favorite is The Busy Family's Guide to Volunteering, written by Jenny Friedman.

Friedman should know about family volunteering. She and her family have been doing it for more than 15 years. She's also the founder of Doing Good Together, an organization dedicated to inspring and helping families volunteer.

She's built a very convincing case for why volunteering matters and why it should be a family activity.

If you believe you don't have time, Friedman points out that volunteering offers a wide-range of options. You could simply dedicate one day a year - or even one half-hour a year, if you wanted. She also argues that once you try it, it'll quickly move from another thing "you have to do" to an experience you anticipate because it reaps so many benefits. Here's what she says your family will get from the experience:

• Opportunities to teach values.
  
• Feeling part of your community.
  
• Improving your children's self esteem, because they see that they can contribute and help.
  
• Strengthened family bonds.
  
• Opportunities for your children to see the impact of serious things you'd normally only preach about - such as not smoking, unprotected sex, and appreciating what you have.
  
• Teach children about the environment, medical field, and other potential career areas in a hands-on setting.
  

She also anticipates the hesitations parents will have about volunteering and addresses them, including "My children aren't interested" and "My children are too young."

The rest of the book looks at how to pick a cause, how to prepare your children, and chapters devoted to specific causes, such as building community, healing the environment, fighting poverty, social action and volunteer vacations.

But what I found most helpful is the Appendix, which offers ideas for family projects, quick projects your family can do in an hour, an afternoon or a day without any preparation, and a developmental timetable that gives you age-appropriate ideas.

There's even a section on volunteering based on holidays, a great approach that will provide multiple volunteering activites without over-committing your family.

All of which make this book a great resource for years to come. It's definitely Family Bookshelf material. However, if you're not a book person, do explore her organization's website, Doing Good Together, which offers much of the same information, but for free!

family | volunteering | Books | Book Review

Giving Family Gifts for Holidays

People love to complain about the holidays and gift giving. While people enjoy giving the gifts, they don't seem to enjoy the process of gift-giving: Choosing a great gift for someone, buying it and wrapping it. And many people seem to think holiday spending is more than a bit out of control, especially in a society where so many can afford to buy pretty much whatever they want whenever they want or need it. Of course, we all want that big screen TV - but let's face it, most of us don't have anyone who can afford to give us that, and we can't really afford to give the big ticket gifts people can't get for themselves.

All of which makes for a frustrating gift-giving season. I can't afford the things people would really want, and what I can afford to get them, they could get themselves if they really wanted it - which makes me think they don't really want it or need it. So, I hit my head against a wall trying to come up with good, creative ideas for everyone in the family.

Well, this year, I'm cutting back on the insanity.

I'm buying family gifts.

Instead of finding the perfect (or not so perfect) gift for each individual, I'm going to buy gifts that they can use as a family, whether their family is one person and a dog or five children and two adult.

This solves a number of holiday problems.

First, it creates spending equity. I don't have to worry that I'm spending more on one child or go out and buy some chocolates at the last minute to make sure everybody gets the same amount. My brother, who has no kids, doesn't have to spend extra money on my family just because we have children. And my sister, who isn't married and has no children, gets as much as she gets because in our plan, she counts as a family.

Second, it will allow me to get gifts for more people. I have a lot of very good friends I don't buy for - and they don't buy for me - simply because we don't want to increase our shopping lists. But by buying family gifts, I'll only have to buy one gift - not four per family - for my friends.

Third, it limits my options, but in a good way. I don't have to choose two toys, two sweaters, and four books - all of which involves traveling to three stores at least. Instead, I can get one audio book, matching pajamas or one game. I can buy membership to parks, museums, zoos or get gift certificates for everyone at the local miniature golf.

Finally, giving family gifts affirms my belief that building family is important.

In my next post, I'll share some great family gift ideas. Please email or post your thoughts on family gifts, and I'll report back.


Family | Christmas Gifts | Simplify Christmas | Gifts | Holidays | technorati

A Timely Way to Donate

Thrifty Mommy posted this morning about a thrifty way to help the needy. Pampers is giving $1 to America'’s Second Harvest for every ecard sent through their site. If you're not familiar with Second Harvest, they're a food bank network. Ellen DeGeneres featured them on her show. (I'm not sure why I mentioned that. I guess I think it makes them legitimate.)

According to Second Harvest, 52.4 percent of households with children had to choose between buying food and paying for utilities or heating fuel.

How can this giving opportunity be transformed into a family activity? Simple. This morning, when your children wake up - or when they return home from school - sit them down and have them create an e-card for anyone in the family with an email account. It's a great way to brighten your Significant Other's day, reach out to a relative who lives far away or simply to send a hug to Grandma.

Then, explain that this is a way to give and visit America's Second Harvest site. Children might be particularly interested in the Children Hunger Facts under Learn More About Others. Older children may want to take the time to read The Almanac of Hunger and Poverty in America 2006 or the 2005 Hunger Study. If teens have a Web site, they might want to add a Second Hunger banner.

You can also find ideas for volunteering under How to Help. Check out the volunteer opportunity search page, which will help you locate affiliated organizations in your area.

My family plans to work with a food bank in our area. We're hoping to be involved with the Kid's Cafe.

How to Choose a Family Charity

Lately, I've been researching volunteering opportunities. The volume of organizations and needs has been a bit overwhelmed. I want to donate to everything - but honestly, even Bill Gates wouldn't have enough cash!

The first problem I encountered was narrowing my choice to a particular area. Did we want to work with illiteracy? Or would we rather help orphans? Animals would be a great option for all of us, but what about world hunger? Refugees would be good - we could expose little one to other cultures, which would help us achieve several goals at once.

Here's what I figured out:
1. I need to get over myself. I'm not going to fix any of these problems single-handedly, even with my whole family working on them. While we do need to make a choice of where to put our time, it's not a life or death decision.
2. I realized you really can start anywhere. So, pick an organization or cause that appeals to you and works for your family.

For instance, my husband suggested we work on poverty. I like women and family issues. It turns out that one of the identifiable keys to reducing poverty anywhere is to economically empower women.

To do that, we could help at a local charity dedicated to helping single mothers get a college degree or contribute to any number of international charities dedicated to helping women, families or building communities. By helping women, we can help children, reduce poverty, which can reduce hunger and homelessness, and build communities. Where communities thrive, you'll also see reduced crime, an improved the environment and so on.

We may not solve any one problem or even see this chain reaction. But life is connected and while your actions may not cause immediate and obvious results, helping at any point in the chain will impact all points along it.

When you're picking projects for your family, the very dynamics of your family members should help you narrow your choices. In my family, our Little One is three. She is not going to help tutor nor is she going to ring bells for the Salvation Army while standing in the rain. I'm not going to be comfortable letting her run free in a soup kitchen while I work the line. And my husband isn't going to be able to participate in a Meals on Wheels delivery route because he works.

So, right away, our personalities and age limits our family volunteering opportunities.

Here's a list of further tips, culled from Family Fun and The Busy Family's Guide to Volunteering:

• Make a list of each family member's strengths and skills. Find an organization that can put those abilities to work.
  
• Make this a family decision. Give your children input - they may surprise you.
  
• Some organizations may be hesitant to take families. Call and discuss ways your family could volunteer together.
  
• Don't give up. It's tempting after one bad experience to decide your children aren't ready or this isn't for your family. Instead, try something else.
  
• Don't be a martyr. Find ways to give that will be fun for everyone!
  

If you really can't decide, The Busy Family's Guide to Volunteering suggests you use a calendar approach. Focus on civil rights in January, send care packages for the troops in July, support farmers or sustainable living in Spring, donate supplies to women's shelters during April, which is Women's History Month, and give school supplies to an orphanage in August.

Family | Volunteering | Giving | charity | Family Activities | technorati

More on Volunteering

Recently, I posted about my intention to start volunteering as a family activity in 2007. It's not an easy goal, since my child is only three, but I've got a few good ideas on how to make it happen.

I stumbled across this article in Family Fun about family volunteering and wanted to share it. I particularly like Ways to Give During the Year, a listing of suggestions for each month.


There's also another article on Family Fun called Lessons in Giving. It has more concrete volunteering suggestions and tips for picking an organization or activity that will match your family's strengths and goals.

By the way, Family Fun is a fantastic magazine, but it's so full of ideas, it can be overwhelming. Each month, I pull out the activities I want to do and store them in my tickler file. As they come up, I get the supplies and then do them during that week.

Family | Volunteering | Giving | Preschooler | Family Activities | technorati

About Me

My name is Loraine Lawson. I'm a stay-at-home mom with one child, a husband and a dog named Missy. I'm also a freelance writer. This blog is about issues we're exploring in our lives as we attempt to strengthen our family bonds.

Playmobil Advent Calendars

I confess: I didn't grow up with Advent calendars. In fact, until a few years ago, I thought only Catholics did them. But after I saw how much fun my friend's children had with their Advent calendar, I decided to try it with Little One.

Last year, we bought a calendar that had chocolate in it. The chocolate was horrible - I mean, like chocolate-flavored cardboard. Horr-i-ble. But she loved it. This year, however, I couldn't bring myself to buy that type of calendar again.

So, I invested in a Playmobil Advent calendar. It turns out, there are several, but the only one I could find in my town was the Christmas in the Park calendar.

It was kinda a pain to put together. You have to assemble all the little pieces and the boxes then get all the little pieces into the little boxes, attach them to the calendar and then find someplace to hang it. And you definitely want to wait until you're sure your child won't try to eat the little toys, because there are lots of totally chokeable pieces in this calendar. Playmobil seems to specialize in tiny pieces, which makes their toys really fun for older preschoolers and school-aged children, but dangerous for children who are opt to put things in their mouths.

But she loves it. Every morning, she gets up and immediately wants her box from the calendar. I had to hang it over her head to keep her from stealing boxes ahead of schedule.

Plus, the really great thing about the Playmobil advent calendar is we can use it for years to come.

Family | Advent calendar | Playmobil | Preschooler | Family Activities | technorati

Family Volunteering

All our married lives, my husband and I have volunteered. It's been an important part of our experience as individuals and a family. Sometimes, we simply volunteered through work - I tutored a little girl while working on the education beat, he volunteered to help organize office parties at his current job and help an emergency agency sort donations after the Oklahoma City bombing. Sometimes, we volunteered individually.

But my favorite experiences are when we volunteer together. I particularly loved when we were foster parents with the Humane Society. We'd take various puppies and dogs into our home and help raise or socialize them. We have lots of photos with every dog we brought home and while it was always heartbreaking to return them, that was a small price for the experience.

After we had the Little One, we took some time off for volunteering. Raising a baby is plenty of work on its own. we did small things here and there - donating to Goodwill or other charities, for instance. But she was too small to join in a family effort and we were too busy managing our lives.

That changed this year. Two events made me realize we need to start volunteering:
1. My father, a plumber, went to Mexico with an organization to help set up houses with running water for children in a poverty-stricken border town.
2. Our church organized a volunteer project for the preschool set. It was simple enough - they went to a nursing home and sang Christmas carols. She was a bit afraid of the the older people, but she wanted to go back the next day because one lady promised she'd have candy then - so Little One couldn't have been very afraid. Plus, it's normal to be a bit nervous around people who are different than your daily experience. I feel that just means you need more experience around those people.

Since then, I've spent a lot of time researching possible family volunteering projects for those with young children. Obviously, the older your child, the more the child can do. Here's what I've come up with:

• Foster puppies or kittens. I used to do this, but hadn't thought of it again until I read an article in Wondertime. This wouldn't be a good idea for some little ones, but since Little One is always around dogs, we could safely foster puppies. Kittens are out because she's allergic, unfortunately. There are lots of shelters that need foster parents, particularly during the spring, when all the new litters are born. Often, the babies won't have mothers and you really need to do a lot of work to care for them. The commitment time is generally six to eight weeks, depending on their age. Basically, you keep them until their old enough to be neutered. The only question is how Little One would handle returning the pups. I think it'd be okay if she knew there would be more in the future.
  
• The Box Project. This is a simple idea born when the founder,New Hampshire native Virginia Naeve met Coretta Scott King on an airplane. Volunteers are matched with a family from poor areas of the U.S. - Appalachia or the Delta, for instance - and commit to send the family a care box for once a month for a year. There's a $50 fee to join, which goes to support the organization. You're also encouraged to mentor the family, exchanging letters to learn more about their lives and better target your aid. Lots of people seem to form life-long relationships from this simple project. This is a fantastic way to give throughout the year and teach your child about caring for other people. In return, you'd be teaching your child empathy, geography and a bit about culture in the U.S. outside your neighborhood. You could form a friendship with someone you'd otherwise never meet. Plus, you'd know your efforts made a real impact.
  
• If a yearlong commitment seems too much, there are lots of variations on the box idea. For instance, you can send one-time boxes to U.S. troops, create a half-dozen comfort kits or school kits for Heart-to-Heart, or put together kits for Church World Services. For more, just google boxes+charity.
  
• Adopt a Grandparent. Your family agrees to serve as a surrogate family for someone in a nursing home. I'm having a hard time actually finding an organization that oversees this. There's an Adopt-A-Grandparent in Atlanta, if you happen to live in that region. I'm sure you could call any nursing home and set this up individually, however. Here are some tips for how to be a surrogate family.
  
• Be a Big Sister/Big Brother. I think it'd be important to ask for a child whose age is roughly the same as your own child. I'm very protective and safety-conscious, so I'd be a bit shy of bringing my child around an older child I didn't know.
  
• Go with your preschooler to a bookstore and buy books to donate to a pediatric hospital
  

If you have a child who's past the Preschool years, the possibilities expand. For more ideas, check out The Busy Family's Guide to Volunteering, which offers thousands of ideas for long-term, short-term, even on-the-spot volunteering and giving.

If you already volunteer with your family, you might want to enter Wondertime's Littlest Volunteer Contest.

Please share any ideas or experiences you've had with volunteering with me!

Family | Volunteering | Giving | Preschooler | Family Activities | technorati

TV: 2 Me: 2

Last night, once again, I turned on the tube. Three times.

I didn't feel well and Hubby and Little One were gone. I felt dizzy and didn't want to do anything, so I decided to watch one of my recorded shows. A rerun of Scrubs was on Comedy Central when I turned on the TV, and that's my favorite, so I watched it. Then I watched Hereos. I successfully turned the TV off. But much later - say, midnight - when I couldn't sleep and I was hungry, I made a sandwich and watched a recorded Scrubs. I ended up eating a bunch of junk, largely because of the TV being on, I think.

But, here's the deal - the mix of TV and food calmed me down. I think this will be the real battle for me: Not using the TV as a drug that soothes my nerves.

At least my Little One wasn't there to witness it. Part of this whole no-TV thing is about being a better role model, but I still feel a bit hypocritical turning to TV, even if she's not around to see it.

TV: 1 Me: 1

I managed to get through Monday without watching TV. My little one only watched a half hour, as per the plan.

Last night, I was exhausted, though, and I found myself very drawn to it. So I compromised and watched a DVD of Scrubs. I watched one episode and a few special features, which finished out the DVD so I could send it back to Netflix. I wanted to send it back so I could get Rudolf for us to all watch together this weekend. So, I don't feel too bad about that.

My little one didn't do as well. Hubby was sick yesterday and had kept me up half the night. So when he felt better, I took a nap. He still wasn't up to par, so he let her watch TV - about an hour and a half to two hours worth! I wasn't very happy, but I guess it was the best he could do. Still, I feel she would've played without it or he could've read to her longer.

When I got the urge to watch TV, I put on Christmas music instead. That really seemed to help relax me and stop the barking in my head.

All in all, I like watching less TV. Time seems to move more slowly and I'm less frazzled. It's annoying, having that yapping on all the time in the background. Plus, Little One is better behaved and playing more. Overall, she seems happier and her pretend play seems to be getting richer because she has to keep at it. She seems to be developing longer story lines.

technorati | Play | TurnOff TV

A gift for you

This Mom blogger says she'll make a donation to World Vision in honor of her readers. The gift given will depend on pages views. Click away!

Charitable Giving | World Vision | mothers

Day One of Limited/No TV

My little one is already watching her one TV episode. I was going to save it for afternoon quiet time, but I needed to make a long phone call. Once again, TV offers the path of least resistance.

What do TV-free people do when they need their child to be quiet and not following them around the house going, "Can I have candy? Can I watch TV? Can I give the dog a treat?" and so on?

Most of the information you find about giving up TV talks about all the great things you and your children can do without it. What's missing is what your kids can do while you need to be doing something else.

One participant at the Berkeley Parent Forum said she considered parenting her job and only did laundry, bills and other work while her spouse was home. Okay. That's great if you want your child to learn that the only thing you have to do in life is tend to them and you don't care if the child never learns to entertain herself or do chores. But I live in the real world. So, I kept looking.

This article on LimitTV.org was much more insightful and workable. The site also has a good list of options for limiting TV, so you can pick and choose what's most livable for your family. For instance, you might have a rule that there's no TV while the sun's out, which would encourage your children to play outside while limiting TV. Or you might want to set rules such as no TV until all homework is done or rooms are clean.

The Turn off TV Network - the people who do the TV-Free Week - offer tips for turning it off and tips for coping,which is exactly what I need, on the same page. I love the idea of keeping a withdrawal journal, since I absolutely do go through withdrawal.

My only question is about my Internet time. Am I replacing one bad habit with another?

I don't think so. I'm already blogging more, which means I'm writing more, which is my one of the reasons I'm turning off the TV in the first place.

According to the Turn Off TV Network, adults and children do not typically replace their TV time with computer time:

50% of adults spent 1-3 hours per week using their computer for recreation, 28% spent between 4 and 9 hours, and 7% spent over 10 hours per week. 15% did not use the computer at all for recreation. Eighty-four percent commented the computer had not taken over the role of TV in their home, 8% were not sure, and 8% felt it had. Though only 7% of children had a computer in their own room, 32% used Nintendo or computer games and 68% did not. Of those that played these games, 45% played from 1-3 hours per week, 35% played less than one hour, 9% 4-6 hours, 5% 7-9 hours, and 5% 10 hours or more.

You'll find many more interesting statistics on their website.

Now if they'd only help me with these withdrawal shakes...

It's 3:27 and I'm exhausted. This is my danger zone - when I'd normally resort to the TV. My child and her friend played while I scrapbooked and cleaned this afternoon. For some reason, I stood up to scrapbook and the cleaning was more like renovating - I'm scrapping up carpet remnants from our basement floor. So, I'm physically tired as well as mentally tapped. My daughter - who hasn't been sleeping well - is whining and tired, too. And we have many hours to go...

technorati | Turnoff TV | parenting

TV Free During Weeks

I'm reading a book on writing, authored by perhaps the most prolific writer ever, Stephen King. In many ways, it's a memoir, and he talks about his alcoholism. Now, I'm a little paranoid about drinking and, really, everything else. I'm always wondering, "Could that be me?" But I couldn't even make comparisons with King. The man drank Scope, for God's sake. He also did cocaine. Apparently, he doesn't even remember writing most of Cugo.

It's a sad story, but there's a happy ending: His family finally confronted him and he decided to give up drugs and alcohol - even if it meant giving up writing, which in his addicted-addled mind, it would - to stay with his family.

But he gave up a lot before then. Addiction demanded a lot from him, including covering up his addiction and putting it before anything else. In fact, he feels the woman in Misery is actually alcohol, holding him prisoner, forcing him to write at its whims.

It made me think: What has that much control over me? What keeps me from the people and things I love?

And the answer was so obvious: TV.

I am a TV addict.

At first, it was just nights. I'm "too tired" to work so I just watch TV. Then, I need to rest, so I turn on the TV during the day when I should be playing with my daughter. First, it's just one show. Then it's two. And so on.

It's not just current shows, either. It's movies and series from Netflix. Series I've used my DVR to record and am now "really into." I probably easily watch 35 hours a week of TV.

So I've decided to break that habit.

I'm moving the TV to the basement so it won't dominate our living room. I'm eliminating TV during the week - except for Lost (if it's ever on again) and ONE episode of educational TV for my daughter. Eventually, I'll eliminate that show from the week as well, but I figure she's three - I shouldn't force her to go cold turkey.

I've deleted all but a few movies from the Netflix queue. I'm going to eliminate it entirely after I've seen those flicks. And I've cut down my recordings to the shows I truly love to view in place of weekend movies: Scrubs, Earl, Heroes and the Biggest Loser. If I watch those, that will still be an hour and a half of TV on the weekends. Plenty.

I have an escalation plan, in case that doesn't work. The plan is to get rid of all but basic cable, (otherwise we wouldn't pick up anything). If that doesn't work, then the DVR and cable go. And if that doesn't work - well, bye-bye TV. But I hope it doesn't come to that. We do love to watch movies.

This will be hardest on me, but hardest to explain to my already-tv addicted three year old. I feel tons of guilt for doing that to her - creating the addiction, not cutting back on TV - but she already seems to be adjusting better than I.

technorati | Parenting | Turn Off TV | Stephen King

The Good Life

Some days, I feel great. I'm grateful for life, enjoy my daughter, love my friends and family, I enjoy what I'm doing. I get things done but don't freak out.

And then there are the many other days when I just want to crawl into bed. I resent everything, I'm overly grumpy, etc.

Sounds like depression, right? True. But I'm on an anti-depressant. What I've found, beyond medication, is that there are certain things I do that can contribute to or detract from my contentment. Here are my rules for creating the good life:

1. Limit TV. I love TV. And I am highly skeptical of people who want me to live without it. But I have found my joy level falls if I watch more than 1-2 hours of TV. Mindless TV viewing is a joy-kill for me. I do it sometimes, because I'm tired or lazy or just can't handle much else. But it never makes me feel better. In fact, if I'm feeling good, it will seep the energy from me.

2. Same for the Internet. Too much time online = discontented me.

3. Too much caffeine. I love coffee, but some mornings now, I have decaff because I've learned even one cup of coffee can jack up my anxiety level. Other mornings, one or two cups are perfect to perk me up and help me get going. But if I drink even half a cup more without thinking...I get very edgy, and that makes for bad parenting.

4. Doing anything makes me feel better. If I can get just one thing done each day, I'll feel better. Even if it's just a load of laundry or one room cleaned. Small accomplishments help me feel useful in the world.

5. I need work. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I work sporadically, mostly when we need money. But I've learned I feel better when I'm doing some work - as long as it's not keeping me up with long hours. I like to work. I like to make money. I like to use my brain. When I don't, I slowly lose my mind.

6. Do not finish the bottle of wine. Sometimes, I get a bottle of wine for my husband and myself. Sometimes, I get in an "I don't care" mood and will finish the bottle. This is rare, but it's always bad. Having a good glass of wine now and then adds to the richness of a simple life. Having too much makes me feel icky and grumpy - then the next day, I want to slip into "do nothing" mode, which means I'm missing out on life experiences.

7. Don't overplan. I get in these moods where I decide we're going to go out more, do more, etc. I make huge lists and big plans. And then I just don't have the energy to throw a big dinner party or drive to another city for a special event. Now, I write down events by date - so today, we can go to a local festival, go swim or go listen to a book reading at the book store. We may not do any of these, but I know what's going on if we do want to do something. If I want to have someone for dinner now, I just plan an easy meal - spaghetti, etc. - and invite them that day on the spur of the moment.

8. Rather than talk on the phone when I'm lonely, go visit someone - or just take my daughter out for some fun. I tend to want to stay at home. Going out for even a short shopping trip helps me stay in the flow of life. My daughter is old enough now that it's actually fun to take her places. Sometimes, I forget this and get stuck in that baby-mode, where you have to worry about hauling around heavy baby equipment and naps.

9. Make time for my family and friends. This may sound like a weird thing from a SAHM, but sometimes I get so busy in accomplishing goals or cleaning, I forget to spend time with my husband as a spouse, rather than a roommate. I forget to go out with my friends and enjoy them as complex women, not just mothers I can meet for an easy playdate.

Toxic Relatives

Family conjures up a range of emotionals issues. For the most part, when we think "Family," society tells us we're supposed to have warm, fuzzy, safe feelings. But really, families are much more complex and the very word can conjure up conflicting feelings of love, abandonment, resentment, safety, fear, hate and happiness, depending on your experience of family or even just upon which family members you're talking about.

I've read quite a bit on dealing with toxic people, and most of the advice involves cutting them out of your life. That's fine if it's a co-worker or a friend, but with family, it's harder. First, they may not be toxic to everyone in your immediate family. You may see them when you attend family events. They may have legal rights to see your children. Or you may not be able to do it psychologically able to do it because they are your family and perhaps have so poisoned you, you simply don't know how to walk away from the abuse.

Or if you're me, you may be married to someone who has a hard time walking away. And you may feel very, very guilty about wanting them to. Which is exactly where I am today.

This is how you recognize a Toxic Person:

Toxic people are extremely negative, nasty, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, financially irresponsible, selfish, and abusive. They can be criminally minded, mentally ill, or just plain evil. Toxic people are also the ones that abuse alcohol or drugs and then hurt other people. The toxic individual exudes the dark side of human nature all of the time. They cause other people pain, craziness, and aggravation. They are not hard to recognize. Just take notice of how you feel when you are around one of these people. It will be easy to determine. You will immediately feel sick and experience physical symptoms like a headache or stomach pain. Or you will just feel like you are going crazy, but don't worry that is the true mark of being with a toxic person. Remember this so that you will be better able to identify a toxic person. That is the first step towards eliminating one from your life. -
from Dealing with toxic people

This is exactly how these people affect me, my husband and everybody else who knows them.

With the Holidays coming up, it will be harder to avoid Toxic Relatives. This piece offers some advice for deciding whether to attend events where you know you'll see Toxic Relatives. It suggests you ask simply whether opting out would feel "freeing or binding" for you. If you feel relieve, dont' go. Then it discusses how to address the guilt that may result. The article also suggests you "divorce" toxic relatives, which I just love.

I like the idea of doing a gut check. Recently I read that you can quickly make decisions on even complicated questions by simply asking what will bring you peace. It's a variation on that theme. For me, it would bring me peace to divorce these people and ignore any contact from them for the rest of my life.

One more note: If you've cut a Toxic Family member out of your life, ABC wants to talk to you. Good luck.

technorati | Toxic People | Relatives | Surviving the Holidays | Parents

Halloween Candy: Treat AND Trick

I'm probably not the only one staring at a ton of Halloween candy this morning, wondering how I'm going to keep my daughter from a sugar-induced coma. Fortunately, this is exactly the weird sort of issue the Internet is good for resolving.

So I Googled what to do with Halloween candy and found a few entries on the topic. They seem to fall into two categories: Treat your children over the course of months by dolling the candy out piece-by-piece or trick your children by tossing it, giving it away or convincing them to trading the candy for toys.

"Ten Things to do with All That Halloween Candy," published on Parenthood.com, offers the best suggestions and is frequently linked to and quoted on various sites, including lifehacker.com.

Here's a list of my favorite suggestions, culled from various websites and blogs:

Use your Halloween candy for lunch treats; let your child choose a treat each day for one week after Halloween. Parenthood.com

Have the children fill up bags of candy and take it to their teachers for school time treats throughout the year. Parenthood.com

Allow your child to select one, two or three pieces per day from a bag, but make them have a glass of milk or water for each treat. Kidshealth.

Fill a coffee can with candy and bring it to your local nursing home, homeless shelter or a charity for the staff to enjoy. I'm thinking of dropping some off at the local Ronald McDonald house. Parenthood.com.

And finally, here's a quirky list on how to manage your Halloween stash.

technorati | Halloween candy | Leftover | Ronald McDonald House | Children