How People Treat You

I read a blog post yesterday contending we teach people how to treat us. Obviously, this is not a new idea - and the blogger was completely wrong in saying that sexual harassment victims 'teach' this behavior AND in his use of the term "probability" - but the basic concept has me thinking about managing friendships.

The truth is, I have quite a few friends who treat me in ways I'm not happy with, and I think it's because I've allowed them to. In short, I've taught them they can treat me poorly and I'll still be their friend.

Not to sound like an eighth-grader, but I'm re-evaluating these friendships, and not just for my own sake.

First, some of these people are what I would consider family friends. I don't want my daughter to think it's okay for people to do things like:

• Snub you for a better plan
• Never call you back or respond to your invitations
• Constantly change the plans to something they've decided they'd rather do
• Treat you as though they're better than you
• Treat you as though you're not part of their elite club when they're around certain other people
  

Everybody does this stuff sometimes. But when there's a consistent behavior pattern - well, that's just rude. I don't know what message these people are trying to give me - are they just so busy they can't call back? Do they not like us and don't want to be around us? Are they trying to get me to conform to some standard? Personal problems: "It's me, not you"

But, it doesn't matter anymore, because my message is, "If you can't treat me respectfully and with dignity, forget it."

It's not easy to make friends as an adult, particularly not friends whose kids are the same age as you and who share your sense of humor, your interest, etc.

But it's also not impossible.

Family | Friends | Self Respect

Finding Family Friends

I recently read a blog where the writer was bemoaning her lack of a social life since she moved to a new town. We've thought about moving before, and I realized it would be really hard to make friends, especially with other families, if we moved.

When we moved - as a young married couple - to Oklahoma, we had a hard time making new friends that we both liked. Eventually, I made friends at work with other people our age - one of whom was a married couple - and we hung out with my co-workers and their SOs. But it was tough going for about two years there.

Sometimes, too, I think we could use more family friends in our current town.

So, I thought I'd take a stab at brainstorming how to make new friends. Obviously, there's the old standbys, such as church, but not everybody goes to church or likes the people they find there. So...

1. Meetup.com. You can meet up with people who share your interests. I know in my area, stay at home moms and others have used Meetup to form play groups.

2. Organizing a group party for your child's X group - meaning, if your child plays soccer, organize a get-to-know-each-other party for the group. You can also do this for ballet classes, preschools, school classes, and so on.

3. Figure out where people that you liked in your old community hung out and try these locations in your new community.

This was something I did wrong in Oklahoma. I liked poetry, so we went to coffee shops and hung out. The thing is, while I enjoy a poetry reading, it turns out I don't enjoy the majority who frequent poetry readings. That's not to say I couldn't find someone I like, but it's not, apparently, my target friend demographic.

I should have thought about where I'd hang out with my friends from home and then visited similar places in Oklahoma.

For instance, I still keep in touch with my college friends, many of whom are now college professors. To meet my friends now, I would need to go where they hang out. I don't teach college, but I could go to work at a university, take a few classes, join the gym where they take their kids to swim, or move near the university. Or, I might find out where college professors tend to send their children to school or which preschool is known for attracting this crowd and enroll my child there. Most likely, you could find this out by doing a few keyword searches or asking around.

I also tend to like journalist, though they're often a bit...err...self-destructive for family life.

4. Forget about it. Instead of worrying about finding new friends, hit the road on the weekends and spend as much time as you can exploring the regional sites. This is actually how we spent a lot of our time in Oklahoma, and it was actually very rewarding. As a result, I don't feel like I ever need to go back. I'm pretty sure I saw everything I wanted to see while we were there. (Though, I do want to go back and see the bombing memorial.)

The hard part, of course, isn't meeting people, but moving on to the next step where you can do things together. I have a friend who excels at this. I'm not 100 percent sure what she does, but mostly I've noticed she invites people over for dinner, invite people she's just met over for parties, even birthday parties, or on family outings.

She also never turns down an invitation - even, I've noticed, if that person had to invite them, such as when there's a professional relationship that requires it. Many of us would excuse ourselves, feeling we really don't know the person well enough or telling ourselves it's a social formality, not a real invitation. Not her.

In short, she ignores a lot of the boundaries that, for most of us, separate people we've just met from friends and family. It's not the safest advice, but it works for her. She makes all kinds of friends wherever she goes.


Family | Friends | Moving | Relocating

Defining Family: When to Subtract

When I started this blog, one of the topics I wanted to explore - and I listed it right in the masthead (see, above this post) - was what it means to be a family. And I think a big part of that is defining family.

I'd never looked up the definition for family before because I thought I knew it. It turns out, I was surprised by how limiting the first entries or so are. I'm posting the first seven, because the rest don't apply, since they move in the idea of larger, official families (the family of Romantics, for instance). Dictionary.com defines family as:

1. parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.
2. the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.
3. the spouse and children of one person: We're taking the family on vacation next week.
4. any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.
5. all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.
6. Chiefly British. approved lineage, esp. noble, titled, famous, or wealthy ancestry: young men of family.
7. a group of persons who form a household under one head, including parents, children, and servants.

For me, family has always been extended to definition four - any group of persons closely related by blood - and, frankly, their marriage partners as well.

I now see that's just a huge definition - no wonder 'family' makes me anxious! The family I carry around in my head is just too darn huge to feel like family.

You'll note the first three definitions are much smaller, essentially composed of the traditional, nuclear family: A parent and offspring.

Why all this defining of family?

Honestly, I'm pondering whether there are situations - things that happen, circumstances - that make it ridiculously to extend to someone the consideration of family.

In short: Can you kick people out of your family? Can you cut out the dysfunctional and limit who you consider your family to the point of creating a functional group?

If my extended family is so negative as to make me miserable, can I just delete them from my definition of family?

Obviously, in some ways, no. Family is family, and if there's a blood tie, there's not a lot you can do about it. You'll still all be invited to the same funerals, the same weddings, the same 'parties.' You can't control that.

But you can control how you relate to that person and whether or not you accept them as family - whether you continue to 'try' to be a part of their lives, their family.

And if you can delete people - if you can redefine family - then where is it fair to draw the line? I know people who've cut off their family over what seem to me to be nothing. But increasingly, as I move toward a healthier place for myself - I'm seeing that sometimes it's not about what people do so much as how they make you feel. Maybe these families didn't 'do' much to the outsider, but their words and actions, over time, have amounted to an ongoing psychological beating. And who wants to endure that all the time?

I was talking about how a friend might benefit from therapy to deal with some of her family issues. Her father's dead and she said, basically, that every one's parents hurt them - including her father's parents - and you shouldn't hold it against them since they were acting from a place of hurt. I pointed out that this didn't change the fact you'd been damaged and could get help recovering from that. It doesn't have to be about blame.

On the other hand, it occurs to me that it's much easier to 'get over' the pain when the family member is dead. We assume it's because their death gives us perspective, but even now, I understand my dad won't live forever. When your relative dies, they stop inflicting injuries, and you can heal. But while they're alive, they're still causing hurting you - and how can you get over it when just yesterday, your father put you down in the exact same way he did when you were 10? Or when you see him making fun of someone else the same way he did you?

Maybe when I'm healthy and strong, I'll be able to. But I'm not there yet, and I don't think anyone just 'gets there' without reconciling and recovering from the past.

Fortunately, my friend and I were just talking about psychological wounds - not being 'good enough' and being made fun of for our accomplishments. Thankfully, neither of us had to deal with physical or sexual abuse.

So, is it fair, then, to restrict your family interactions while you heal? I think it is.

But I also think maybe some things you can't overlook - physical/sexual abuse, for instance. For me, physical danger and excessive, deliberate psychological abuse all are grounds for being subtracted from family.

Family | Family Problems | Abuse

New Autism Resource for Families

If someone in your family has an autism diagnosis, there's a new online resource you should check out. The Interactive Autism Network was created by the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore to connect families with other families and researchers, according to a recent article in the US News & World Report. You can fill out forms detailing your family member's treatment plan and find out more about how effective others view the treatment - though information is kept confidential unless you agree to have it released to researchers.

There's a community section , as well, where you can chat with other families. Within a month, the site has attracted 13,000 members - that's a lot of people who can give you feed back.

I have a friend whose child was diagnosed with autism. This child has a long medical history - she was born a micro preemie, and that means a lot of health problems and developmental uncertainity. She's had surgeries, is legally blind and is developmentally delayed. My friend handled these issues so well, I thought she should've been named Mother of the Year.

But the autism diagnosis was very difficult for her. It took her several months to process it and, more and less, accept it. (Everyone who knows this child has a lot of questions about the diagnosis, including me.)

My point is, autism is a frightening diagnosis because there's so little we know and we associate it with a child turning into some sort of robot that can't love us. But it's more complicated than that. Maybe this website will help doctors and families learn more about what autism is, what it means and what helps.

This Month's Family Mission

You may recall that I'm committed to doing some sort of charitable work as a family each month. It's surprisingly hard to come up with ongoing solutions with a preschooler, so I'm opting for random acts of giving.

Parent Hacks posted about a Corp of Engineers worker who wants gently used toys and school supplies to give to Iraqi children - especially stuffed toys. I think this might be a good option for us this month. Little Bit is too young to want to give many away, but even a few would be good.

Family | Volunteering | Giving | Preschooler

Review: The Book of New Family Traditions

This week's book is The Book of new Family Traditions: How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays and Everyday, by Meg Cox.

Cox breaks rituals into holidays, family festivals and ceremonies (such as birthdays, first day of school), daily, weekly and monthly rituals, (such as bed time stories, family game nights, monthly pizza parties), and rites of passage rituals. For the most part, these are collections of "here's a neat idea this one family did" that may or may not work for you. For instance, while I love the idea of marking a young girl's first period in some positive way, I really don't see me hosting a dinner for my pre-teen daughter with a group of women who share stories about their periods.

However, I might let her take the day off or buy her a special ring - two of the other suggestions in the book.

What struck me about many of the rituals in the book is they did not start out as conscious efforts to create tradition - and I think that's true of most rituals. You do something once, and it creates memories, so you do it again because your family liked it. Or you do something because your family did it. Rituals evolve, and anytime I've tried to just create one, it's backfired on me.

But rituals are important. Cox lists 10 good things rituals do for hildren - and I would add families. Among the list is impart a sense of identity - a pressing issue for families in a society that favors the individual's pursuit over the family. Rituals can also help heal from a loss or trauma, teach values, help us natigate change and provide comfort and security, according to Cox. But more than this, I think traditions and rituals bind us as a family.

There are certainly some ideas I plan to try. For instance, one of my goals is to widen my family circle by inviting friends and family into our home for dinners and board games. I've been struggling with how to do this - we're always too busy or the house is too messy or we're too exhausted. The book mentioned that one woman held Soup Dinners, where she issued an invitation to family and friends to stop by on a specific day from fall until spring for soup. She used paper bowls and plastic spoons and people could come and go as they pleased. She offered hospitality, a warm home, conversation and soup.

So in the New Year, my family will have Soup Sundays. Sundays are perfect because the house is usually clean and we're well rested. Soup is perfect because I can make it in a crockpot. But for now, I think I'll reduce the guest list from 60 to a few families, but invite different people each week.

I also loved her ideas for family prayers, since this is an issue for us. She suggests a moment of silence or a very simple, Quaker prayer: "Us and this: God bless."

There are some great puberty rituals, but you need to be pretty New Age or free spirited to try them.

For example, the book offers advice on going on a vision quest. The suggestions are great - have your teens do community service and discuss what it means to be a man or woman in society - but I just can't see ritualizing that. It seems like your results might be better if these discussions were more informal.

The book also seems to miss several opportunities, such as a ritual for marking family deaths or remembering loved ones, a ritual for a new baby, or a ritual for moving to a new home.

And some ideas are just silly to me. For instance, the book tells you how to make a talking stick for family meetings. Anybody who's seen Absolutely Fabulous will never be able to take that idea seriously. I also hated her section on chore rituals, which largely involve you distracting your children instead of them pitching in.

I liked this book - I really did. And I'd love to recommend you buy this boo through this blog so I can get credit from Amazon. But, to be honest, you should probably just check it out at the library and skim through it. Or, you can sign up for a free newsletter on family rituals through Cox's website. You can also view a sample newsletter online.

Family | Family Traditions | Book Review | Family Rituals

'When Parents Are Deployed' Airs Tonight

It's easy to talk about war and 'supporting the troops,' but how many people really appreciate the sacrifice made by military families? For instance, did you know that an estimated 700,000 children under five are separated from a parent overseas in the U.S. military? I didn't. That's a lot of children missing at least one parent - and keep in mind, for many of those children, there may only be one parent.

PBS is spotlighting this issue today in a special program called, "When Parents Are Deployed." It's hosted by Cuba Gooding, Junior and will feature the Sesame Street cast, so it should be appropriate for the whole family.

The point isn't to be pro- or anti-war, but to educate people about the needs of these families. Still, war is a fact of life and children are often introduced to it via the nightly news, which can be just frightening or too inhuman. This show could offer a wonderful opportunity to explain war and the issues that surround it with little ones.

The show also discusses how families stay in contact. If you're a military family - or a family who has someone who travels extensively for business - this show will give you some ideas about how to stay connected. I particularly love the ritual where the father and son both say goodnight to the moon, knowing the other is doing the same thing halfway around the world.

You can check your local PBS affiliate online for times.

PBS | Military Families | war

Surviving Relatives During Christmas

It's no secret that I don't think you should hang around toxic relatives, even if it is the holidays. Have the strength to cut your losses and create a family that loves you, I say.

But sometimes it's not so black and white. Sometimes, we may be uncomfortable around our family, but still love them. We may be struggling for acceptance during a new phase of our life or we may just not have the relationship we really want - but that doesn't mean we want to walk away.

Or you may care very much for some family members, but seeing them means you have to see toxic relatives you'd rather ignore.

What to do?

A Better You Blog offers this article on "How to Get Along with Family." I particularly like Number 2, which reminds you to Be Protective - to guard your children, yourself and your heart. The others aren't bad, but I think this is the one we actually forget in our rush to "get along."

You can also read my blog entry on Toxic Relatives from Thanksgiving, which offers a few more links on dealing with toxic family members.


Family | Surviving the Holidays

Families in the Spotlight This Week

A big shout out to the Humphries Family of Chicago, who made the news this week because all three of whom will be celebrating the same birthday next year. The couple already shared a birthday, but their son came two days early this December to give each parent a special birthday gift. Talk about a great family tradition!

Special prayers for the family and friends of Paul, Lillian, Shawn, 11, and Kitanna, 10, Martin, a Texas family that died together in a plane crash this week. In general, I think it's pointless to read about random trajedies because there's nothing you can do but feel bad. However, in this case, do read about the Martins. They were an amazing family. They seemed to have put their time here to good, loving use. I should have so many great family memories when I die. The picture is from News 8 Austin.

If you're following the story of the missing climbers on Mount Hood, you might want to read the official response of their family members and include them in your prayers/meditations/moments of remembrance this week.

"Try to See Things from Elders' Perspectives This Season," a column published on the Pensacola News Journal's website, reminds us to include seniors in our holiday celebrations. I particularly liked the point he makes about including seniors in holiday preparations, such as trimming the tree and gift shopping. We focus so much on children during Christmas and Hanukkah, that we sometimes forget our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents. Hubby's grandmother will be spending Christmas in the hospital. We plan to drop by for awhile on Christmas morning, but after reading this, I'm going to encourage him to bring her a small tree now.

In a similar vein, columnist Linda Rhodes of the Patriot News reminds us to create new traditions with parents who have lost a spouse. Tips Can Help Parents Navigate Holidays is full of great suggestions, but my favorite is to remember deceased family members during the holidays. We want holidays to be perfect, so we force ourselves to avoid anything painful - even if those memories are full of love and are our hearts are aching anyway. She suggests you acknowledge the loss and the love that person brought to your life. A beautiful idea.

In South Asia, news that Pakistani mosques will encourage family planning made headlines this week. The story notes that Pakistan families are often large because people don't have social security and feel they need a large family to ensure they'll be cared for as they age. The minister quoted in the story points out that two well-educated children can care for aging parents as well as many uneducated children. Touche!

Ever wonder what Chuck Norris thinks about families, raising children and Christmas break? No, me either. But the man apparently writes a regular column and this week it's on latchkey kids and the dangers of electronic entertainment. I wonder about that stat on latchkey kids. It's kinda frightening. He sources an article on Associated Content, but the article doesn't give a source for the stat and the referenced documents at the end of it don't include the stat. The closest I came was this number from the Oakland Tribute: Approximately one million California kids, 12-17 years old, are unsupervised after school three or more days each week, according to a government poll.

Family | Families in the News | Holiday tips

Family is Who Loves You

It's true: You can't choose your first family. Fate, God, or whatever puts you into a family's hands and you're at their mercy from then out.

Sometimes your birth family loves you. Sometimes, they don't.

It's cruel that we use the same word to describe parents who are loving and caring and do their best to give their children a good life as we do people who burn their babies with cigarettes, abandon their toddlers to "do their own thing," or emotionally neglect a young child.

I propose we don't. From now on, at least with this blog, your family is who loves you.

Of course, much of what I'm doing here has to do with the typical family unit: Two parents and children. That's the family I wanted. That's the family I'm building.

I know I'm lucky. Some people in my life - some people in my family - were born to people who didn't give them the love they deserved. They didn't even give them the love they needed.

Family is who loves you. I may not be able to tell you how to build yourself a non-traditional family - it's outside my realm of experience - but I believe families are made, through daily intention and effort. Don't be fooled by appearances - even the happy families that your friends were just "born" into - they were intentionally created by someone.

I hope much of what we talk about here can be applied to any family, even if that means your two best friends and your dog. Creating a family does take work - but it shouldn't be so hard that it's painful, it shouldn't be hurtful or crazy.

Celebrate those people who behave as family, whether their related to you or not. Sometimes that's a grandmother who loves you and raises you as if she is your mother. Sometimes it's your best friend's family, who knows how to love unconditionally and sees a need in you. Sometimes, it's your adopted daughter from Russia. Sometimes, it's a group of friends you meet through AA.

If you must be around a "birth family" who doesn't love you, don't confuse them with "family." Remember: Family is who loves you. Everyone else is just a bad coincidence.

Family | Family Dsyfunction |

Our Family Circle: Thursday Nights with Friends

Remember when everyone held Survivor parties to watch the TV show? My closest friends still do that. They're absolutely nuts over the show. For years now, they've met for dinner and Survivor viewing. We joined them a few years ago, but this year, our child has refused to sleep at their house. I think she gets too excited about being in the same room/house as her best friends, who are in many ways, like siblings or cousins for her.

This year, someone proposed eating out before Survivor. That allowed us to participate without staying - and for us, the draw was always the fellowship of friends. But with six children and 10 adults, we easily took over any restaurant we visited. So, one couple decided to just have us over for simple meals, like Tacos (who doesn't like Tacos!) or lasagna. We all bring something to the table. For taco night, we brought lettuce. Another friend brought rice. The host is still contributing most of the food, but we'll wear her down eventually and it'll become more equitable.

Our children span 12 years, but they enjoy hanging out, laughing, fighting, tattling on one another. We enjoy a slow dinner together, with lots of talking and laughing.

Many of us have been friends since college. Since then, we've expanded our circle to include spouses, siblings, and now children. They're not just my friends. They're my family's friends.

I'm so grateful for them. But I know it can be very difficult to find families that really click with your family, who share your values, your sense of humor and gracefully ignore most of your quirks.

I'd be interested in hearing how other families have created family friendships.
family | Family Friends | Family Dinner