Toxic Relatives
Family conjures up a range of emotionals issues. For the most part, when we think "Family," society tells us we're supposed to have warm, fuzzy, safe feelings. But really, families are much more complex and the very word can conjure up conflicting feelings of love, abandonment, resentment, safety, fear, hate and happiness, depending on your experience of family or even just upon which family members you're talking about.
I have the typical problems with family, but for the most part, I love my parents and siblings. What I regret most is that I'm not closer to my siblings. Even when one of my siblings went through a period of toxicity, I was able to lay down boundaries that she respected.
My husband's family is a different story. There are some people in his family that I would definitely label as toxic relatives - people who don't respect boundaries.
I've read quite a bit on dealing with toxic people, and most of the advice involves cutting them out of your life. That's fine if it's a co-worker or a friend, but with family, it's harder. First, they may not be toxic to everyone in your immediate family. You may see them when you attend family events. They may have legal rights to see your children. Or you may not be able to do it psychologically able to do it because they are your family and perhaps have so poisoned you, you simply don't know how to walk away from the abuse.
Or if you're me, you may be married to someone who has a hard time walking away. And you may feel very, very guilty about wanting them to. Which is exactly where I am today.
My greatest fear is that these people will condition my child to want their attention and put up with their poisons, the same way they've conditioned my husband to accept abuse and neglect.
How do I know they're toxic, you may be wondering. You may be thinking that perhaps this is just normal in-law drama. This is how you recognize a Toxic Person:
This is exactly how these people affect me, my husband and everybody else who knows them.
With the Holidays coming up, it will be harder to avoid Toxic Relatives. This piece offers some advice for deciding whether to attend events where you know you'll see Toxic Relatives. It suggests you ask simply whether opting out would feel "freeing or binding" for you. If you feel relieve, dont' go. Then it discusses how to address the guilt that may result. The article also suggests you "divorce" toxic relatives, which I just love.
I like the idea of doing a gut check. Recently I read that you can quickly make decisions on even complicated questions by simply asking what will bring you peace. It's a variation on that theme. For me, it would bring me peace to divorce these people and ignore any contact from them for the rest of my life.
One more note: If you've cut a Toxic Family member out of your life, ABC wants to talk to you. Good luck.
technorati | Toxic People | Relatives | Surviving the Holidays | Parents
I have the typical problems with family, but for the most part, I love my parents and siblings. What I regret most is that I'm not closer to my siblings. Even when one of my siblings went through a period of toxicity, I was able to lay down boundaries that she respected.
My husband's family is a different story. There are some people in his family that I would definitely label as toxic relatives - people who don't respect boundaries.
I've read quite a bit on dealing with toxic people, and most of the advice involves cutting them out of your life. That's fine if it's a co-worker or a friend, but with family, it's harder. First, they may not be toxic to everyone in your immediate family. You may see them when you attend family events. They may have legal rights to see your children. Or you may not be able to do it psychologically able to do it because they are your family and perhaps have so poisoned you, you simply don't know how to walk away from the abuse.
Or if you're me, you may be married to someone who has a hard time walking away. And you may feel very, very guilty about wanting them to. Which is exactly where I am today.
My greatest fear is that these people will condition my child to want their attention and put up with their poisons, the same way they've conditioned my husband to accept abuse and neglect.
How do I know they're toxic, you may be wondering. You may be thinking that perhaps this is just normal in-law drama. This is how you recognize a Toxic Person:
Toxic people are extremely negative, nasty, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, financially irresponsible, selfish, and abusive. They can be criminally minded, mentally ill, or just plain evil. Toxic people are also the ones that abuse alcohol or drugs and then hurt other people. The toxic individual exudes the dark side of human nature all of the time. They cause other people pain, craziness, and aggravation. They are not hard to recognize. Just take notice of how you feel when you are around one of these people. It will be easy to determine. You will immediately feel sick and experience physical symptoms like a headache or stomach pain. Or you will just feel like you are going crazy, but don't worry that is the true mark of being with a toxic person. Remember this so that you will be better able to identify a toxic person. That is the first step towards eliminating one from your life. -
from Dealing with toxic people
This is exactly how these people affect me, my husband and everybody else who knows them.
With the Holidays coming up, it will be harder to avoid Toxic Relatives. This piece offers some advice for deciding whether to attend events where you know you'll see Toxic Relatives. It suggests you ask simply whether opting out would feel "freeing or binding" for you. If you feel relieve, dont' go. Then it discusses how to address the guilt that may result. The article also suggests you "divorce" toxic relatives, which I just love.
I like the idea of doing a gut check. Recently I read that you can quickly make decisions on even complicated questions by simply asking what will bring you peace. It's a variation on that theme. For me, it would bring me peace to divorce these people and ignore any contact from them for the rest of my life.
One more note: If you've cut a Toxic Family member out of your life, ABC wants to talk to you. Good luck.
technorati | Toxic People | Relatives | Surviving the Holidays | Parents
Labels: Family Problems
posted by Loraine at 8:20 AM
4 Comments:
I just wanted to let you know we linked to your post from this page:
http://www.mahalo.com/How_to_Survive_Thanksgiving_Dinner_with_Your_Family
Thanks very much!
My partner of 31 yrs. has a sister who hates me. Her husband does too. Now the one daughter has left me messages on my cell,& I feel unwanted by them. Another family member is here from out of town, we are having Thanksgiving @ the home of the sister who does not like me. I don't know what to do, I feel I should just try to ignore the past problems. My partner has cancer & I just want all of us to get along. I said I would go, but I am feeling worried about all of it.
The definition of a toxic relative could be far more complex and nuanced than the one provided in the article. Toxic family need not display the obvious social vices such as criminality and substance abuse as listed above. They can even be people who are greatly admired by many.
What classifies them as toxic is the intensely negative effect they have on the life of even a single family member. Sometimes this happens when a family generally shares a particularly strongly held belief and one member of the family breaks ranks. In such instances the majority of the family can be toxic and often this venom will be aimed at a particular individual. It is easy to imagine this scenario in the context of strongly held religious or political beliefs. This effect is often exacerbated if the family is particularly close-knit, as the breaking of ranks is seen as a threat to the whole.
In my wife's case such a scenario led to an all out attack from her family (well-respected and even admired people) that was the stuff of nightmares. We have subsequently allowed them back into our lives but the cost has been great. They never acknowledged the damage done.
In retrospect I know that we should have cut them out completely. Not doing so is tantamount to a rape victim that is placed in a position where she is forced to have a continued relationship with the rapist. The possibility for closure becomes remote as it is inevitable that the victim sees herself as co-responsible. This is well documented in child abuse cases but holds equally true in the emotional abuse of adults.
From prior experience I can advise that unless the family member/s openly admit to wrongdoing and promise change (and start showing it immediately) it is best to cut them out of your lives completely.
This is often the part where many stumble. When the victims are a (married) couple the toxic family is invariably the one partner’s direct family and the other’s in-laws. The sense of confusion and hurt suffered by the direct family victim sometimes creates an inability to act firmly and decisively. Also, the potential for later resentment and guilt makes it difficult for the other partner to force them to make a clean break.
My advice is that life is short. Never allow people in your life who make you miserable. Not for a second.
what happens when the whole extended family is toxic?
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