If Every Day Was Just Like Christmas

Every Christmas, I drag out my Elvis Christmas record/tape/CD - depending on the decade - and listen to it over and over and over again. It's the only Christmas record - other than Disco Duck Christmas - my family owned. In fact, in general, my family didn't play records, probably because my dad was always singing and playing his guitar when he was home and my mom enjoyed the quiet when he was gone.

It sounds great - very Mayberry - to have a dad who sings and plays guitar. And it was cool - I love my memories of Dad sitting on the front porch after dark, playing still songs to the stars.

But it's also kinda annoying, especially if you want to have a conversation with the man, or ask him to play with you or any of the other things kids want from parents.

But I love that Elvis record. Absolutely love it.

In the title track, "If Every Day Was Like Christmas," Elvis ponders why we can't be nice and love each other throughout the year. Over the years, I've had different relationships with this question. I use to cry about it and think, "Yeah, it should be like Christmas all year - we should give people gifts and all that!"

Then it just seemed naive and trite.

Now, I'm rethinking it again after reading this Psychology Today article, "Surviving Holiday Hell."

I wrote about it last year, and decided to revisit it to see if there were any ideas for breaking negative traditions and creating new ones. As it turns out, the piece does offer advice about that, noting that when traditions become, essentially, dogmatic, no one enjoys them. They just soullessly go through the ritual - which is why it's a good idea to shake things up, particularly as life stages change.

For instance, if you've had the same Christmas morning ritual since your children were little, and now they're all teens, well, you should reexamine that ritual. It's probably no longer fun.

The article closes with this advice from some expert mentioned in the piece:

Better, he says, if we treat the rest of the year as if it were Christmas. And treat Christmas as if it were an ordeal. Cancel the big show. Don't bother smearing pate on the beef. Simply feed and nurture each other. Then no one will be disappointed.

I added the italics, because it really stood out to me as a way to rescue a holiday which, frankly, mostly feels like drudgery.

And I realized that part of the reason Christmas has been hard, too, is because we don't treat ourselves well during the rest of the year and it all comes to a head with the added stress of Christmas. In other words - we just notice at Christmas because all the bad stuff happens at the same time.

An example:
You have a problem saying no - to work, to your mother, to your mother-in-law and to your friends. All year, you're under a low-grade stress because of this, but generally, they don't all come calling at once and you manage. But at Christmas, they all put demands on you. And it's too much so you crack. "Enough!" You yell. "Why is Christmas so miserable?!?"

Well, clearly, if you'd had some boundaries in place and said no to some people all year, you wouldn't be under so much pressure now. Because they'd all know better and be used to your boundaries, plus you'd have a year of practice in for saying no.

You can apply this to just about any problem that 'seems' to be an issue at Christmas: Weight problems and overeating; overspending; poor organizational skills; an inability to delegate; poor household management - all come to a head during the holidays because you've added a deadline - Christmas - and pressed all the pressure points at once.

So: What if, next year, everyday were just like Christmas in that you nurtured yourself and your family - ahead of everyone else? My guess is, by the time Christmas did come around, you'd:
a. Know how to take care of yourself and your family so that
b. You'd be able to give more joyfully and
c. You'd know when to stop giving and start saying no.

Family | Holidays | Christmas | Elvis

Another Approach to Ending Hunger

Earlier, I shared how Harvest's Backpack Program is feeding children who might not get enough food over the weekend.

Mark Winne, the former director of the Hartford (Conn.) Food System and author of "Closing the Food Gap: Resetting the Table in the Land of Plenty," offers a very different take on food and programs like Second Harvest. In a recent Q&A with the Washington Post, Winne answered readers questions about his apparently controversial position about food banks:
What I am saying is that we cannot end hunger unless we end poverty; food banking as well as other antihunger programs do a good job of managing poverty by alleviating its worst symptom, hunger. While antihunger programs remain necessary for the time being, they have strayed too far from, and in some cases never acknowledged the need to end poverty.

From what he's saying here, I don't see that he's against food banks, per se. He - and others - just feel that food banks aren't the only answer, but too many people view them as the answer. Food banks were never designed to provide a long-term solution: They're to combat emergency needs, but increasingly, they've become the only solution.

Winne doesn't offer easy solutions, but he tackles some tough questions and he's raising touch challenges about what it will take to end hunger in our more-than-wealthy nation. He argues that it's going to take public policy - not just private handouts.

This piece doesn't yield itself to easy action steps, but here are the action steps I saw in the piece.

Make It Happen:

1. Support food banks and other emergency programs, but realize they aren't an end in and of themselves. It's time the U.S. looked at long-term, real solutions, such as giving a living wage to all workers.
2. If you work or volunteer for a food bank or soup kitchen, examine what government policies you can support that will create long-term, sustainable change for your clients. Winne recommends the Oregon Food Bank as a model.
3. If you're involved with any charity, make sure the group empowers those it helps to be part of the solution.
4. Winne urges that we "support community economic development strategies that will bring good paying job to poor communities."
5. Winne also suggests communities work to establish new supermarkets in low-income communities. Local markets give people access to lower-priced and healthier foods, plus they create jobs.
6. He also suggests supporting health care for the uninsured.
7. Do what you can to establish or support job training programs for the unemployed.

Public Policy | Hunger | Mark Winne | Living Wage

How to Join the Backpack Program

As promised, I emailed the national coordinator for the Backpack Program, Dave Blair, and he very kindly replied with instructions on how to find out more about programs in your area. If you've just joined us, you can learn more about how the Backpack Program helps feed hungry children when they're not in school.

Here's what he said:

America’s Second Harvest is a membership organization, and all of our national programs and services are provided through our Member Network of food banks and food rescue organizations. I recommend that you readers contact their local food bank and they will have more information about what is happening on the local level. Please advise them to follow these steps to identify the nearest America's Second Harvest Food Bank:

• Go online to www.secondharvest.org
• Enter your zip code in the “Find Your Local Food Bank or Food Rescue Organization” section of the homepage

You can also email him.

A Backpack Filled with Food and More

Since I've become a parent, any story about children suffering causes me to cry. It's just unfathomable that we as a society should tolerate children being abused, neglected or hungry.

Okay - it makes sense to cry about something sad. So would somebody tell me why I teared up when I read this beautiful Shreveport Times story about a Louisiana program that makes sure children don't go hungry over the weekend?

No doubt you've read that for many children living in poverty, the only real meal of the day is often their school lunch. This is a real problem for schools, families and communities. Any parent can tell you that there are two factors certain to bring about a melt-down in any child, at any age:
1. If they haven't eaten in a few hours.
2. If they didn't get enough sleep.

If my daughter starts crying and throwing a tantrum, without fail, I can trace it back to one of these two things - and, most frequently, it's because it's because she didn't eat enough or has skipped a meal or snack.

To help, the Food Bank of Northwest Louisiana also offers dinner for children in the Ingersoll Elementary School after-school program four days out of every week. According to the article, approximately 96 percent of Ingersoll's students receive free or reduced-price lunches.

But teachers soon began to notice that children were returning to school on Monday too irritable and tired. They were pretty certain those children weren't being fed adequately over the weekend.

The Food Bank obtained a $10,000 grant from America's Second Harvest to start a new initiative called the BackPack Program. Each Friday, 85 children are given a backpack filled with seven to 10 healthy food items - all kid-friendly. They return their empty backpacks on Monday morning.

The school immediately noticed the students behaved better - decreasing behavioral problems for the school - and were more attentive Monday morning. The Shreveport Times quotes program coordinator Kimberly Page:

"If a child is hungry, you can't keep their attention. The only thing they're thinking about is what time is lunch? They're just acting better."

The Food Bank also has a unique partnership with the Shreveport Job Corps that ensures an additional 120 children are fed each day through another America's Second Harvest program, the Kid's Cafe.

Unfortunately, the grant - as many grants are - is only for launching the program. To keep it going for another year, the Food Bank will need to come up with $150 per backpack.

The article doesn't mention this, but this is a national program that originally launched in Arkansas, according to America's Second Harvest. It's offered in 39 states, plus Washington, D.C.. The program distributes up to 35,000 backpacks each week nationwide.

Donate to America's Second Harvest. Charity Navigator, which rates charities on their financial effectiveness and efficiency, gave America's Second Harvest four out of four stars. It also notes that only half a percent of their money goes to administrative expenses, 1.3 percent goes to fundraising, with a hefty 98 percent going to fund programs.

Make It Happen:

1. Here's what David Blair, who runs the Backpack Program, had to say about how to make this happen in your community or how to support a local program.
2. If you know of a child in need, help the child and family connect with these services. Remember, too, that behavior and attention problems could be an indication a child's nutritional needs aren't being met.
   
3. Contact your local food back to see if there's a Kid's Cafe. These cafes often need volunteers to serve food or just help with the children. I found a local Cafe by just googling my city, state and "Kid's Cafe." My local cafe also needed donations of paper plates, cups, napkins and dinnerware, so you may be able to make a donation if you can't volunteer.
   
4. Find out how many children are living in poverty and considered "Food Insecure" in your state by checking America's Second Harvest's Child Food Insecurity Statistics Map. Publicize these numbers by sharing them with friends, posting the information on your blog, writing a letter to your state and federal representatives, sending the stats to your clergy, a local columnist or reporter, or even putting them in your family holiday letter this year. While you're on the site, join the Hunger Action Center.
5. Support expanding the bi-partisan "Simplified Summer Food Service Program."
   

Christmas: Time to Heal?

Given my humbuggery about Thanksgiving, I suppose it's only karma that I stumbled onto this article, "The Purpose Driven Christmas," by Rick Warren, author of the Purpose Drive Life and similar titles.

One of the ways Warren suggests we add meaning to the holiday is to "Make It a Time for Personal Growth," which has a very specific meaning for him. He challenges us to look at who we need to forgive and of whom we need to ask forgiveness. He writes:

Resentment always hurts you more than the person you resent because bitterness keeps you emotionally stuck in the past. Let go of those hurts and remember this: The most valuable and significant gift you can give anyone this Christmas is your forgiveness, because it will allow you to grow.

Obviously, I've got some forgiving to do. The question for me has always been how? To tell you the truth, I've never found that real forgiveness - where you can give as you did before the injury - happens easily or often. People forgive in that they let go of the anger, but they don't give up the fear, the mistrust or the pain. I think if you're really going to forgive, you have to do that as well. And that's damn hard to do if someone keeps hurting you by doing the same thing.

Here's a little secret: I'm trying a new form of therapy that's supposed to help you do exactly this. It's called EMDR, and I started going for post-traumatic stress disorder from the Oklahoma City bombing.

I'll be honest with you: If I'd walked into a therapist's office and she tried EMDR, I'd probably walk right out or never go back. But I have a psychiatrist friend who's been using it with his patients, and he reported nigh-miracle results: People off their medicines, completely different, happy and well-adjusted in a very short time. Then a friend tried it and it seemed to work for her.

After years of struggling with depression, always being on medicine and never getting very far in therapy, despite three therapists and years of work, I thought I'd give it a try.

And it seems to be working. Really, really well. Even my husband agrees.

So far, I have been able to 'let go' of a lot of pain and anger. What's nice about that is I can come from a place of strength and resolve without feeling all ick inside about it. You know what I mean: The nervousness, the anxiety. No, in the situations where we've done EMDR, I can just be myself and feel okay and not have to worry about it. I remember everything - but it's all clearer and in perspective.

Sometimes, like over Thanksgiving, I still get knocked down, but so far, it's always been in an area where we're still doing the work or a new area I've never tackled. It turns out, some of this depression stuff goes way, way back. Surprise. Maybe when we're finished with the EMDR, I won't have to write posts about 'subtracting' family members. Although, you know, after EMDR, I really have no guilt about cutting off some very dangerous, destructive family members. Previously, it was very hard for me to opt out - I felt guilty, as if I should make it possible to see them over the holidays, even though they didn't respect our requests, our rules and even potentially were a danger to my child.

If you're really struggling to forgiveness, depression, anger or anxiety, why not find an EMDR therapist and try. Be prepared to give it at least two months before you see results. And realize that you'll actually get worse before you get better. That's what happens when you dig up bones.

Hopefully, by Christmas, I'll be able to manage some forgiveness under the tree.


Family | Family Problems | Holidays

Defining Family: When to Subtract

When I started this blog, one of the topics I wanted to explore - and I listed it right in the masthead (see, above this post) - was what it means to be a family. And I think a big part of that is defining family.

I'd never looked up the definition for family before because I thought I knew it. It turns out, I was surprised by how limiting the first entries or so are. I'm posting the first seven, because the rest don't apply, since they move in the idea of larger, official families (the family of Romantics, for instance). Dictionary.com defines family as:

1. parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.
2. the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.
3. the spouse and children of one person: We're taking the family on vacation next week.
4. any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.
5. all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.
6. Chiefly British. approved lineage, esp. noble, titled, famous, or wealthy ancestry: young men of family.
7. a group of persons who form a household under one head, including parents, children, and servants.

For me, family has always been extended to definition four - any group of persons closely related by blood - and, frankly, their marriage partners as well.

I now see that's just a huge definition - no wonder 'family' makes me anxious! The family I carry around in my head is just too darn huge to feel like family.

You'll note the first three definitions are much smaller, essentially composed of the traditional, nuclear family: A parent and offspring.

Why all this defining of family?

Honestly, I'm pondering whether there are situations - things that happen, circumstances - that make it ridiculously to extend to someone the consideration of family.

In short: Can you kick people out of your family? Can you cut out the dysfunctional and limit who you consider your family to the point of creating a functional group?

If my extended family is so negative as to make me miserable, can I just delete them from my definition of family?

Obviously, in some ways, no. Family is family, and if there's a blood tie, there's not a lot you can do about it. You'll still all be invited to the same funerals, the same weddings, the same 'parties.' You can't control that.

But you can control how you relate to that person and whether or not you accept them as family - whether you continue to 'try' to be a part of their lives, their family.

And if you can delete people - if you can redefine family - then where is it fair to draw the line? I know people who've cut off their family over what seem to me to be nothing. But increasingly, as I move toward a healthier place for myself - I'm seeing that sometimes it's not about what people do so much as how they make you feel. Maybe these families didn't 'do' much to the outsider, but their words and actions, over time, have amounted to an ongoing psychological beating. And who wants to endure that all the time?

I was talking about how a friend might benefit from therapy to deal with some of her family issues. Her father's dead and she said, basically, that every one's parents hurt them - including her father's parents - and you shouldn't hold it against them since they were acting from a place of hurt. I pointed out that this didn't change the fact you'd been damaged and could get help recovering from that. It doesn't have to be about blame.

On the other hand, it occurs to me that it's much easier to 'get over' the pain when the family member is dead. We assume it's because their death gives us perspective, but even now, I understand my dad won't live forever. When your relative dies, they stop inflicting injuries, and you can heal. But while they're alive, they're still causing hurting you - and how can you get over it when just yesterday, your father put you down in the exact same way he did when you were 10? Or when you see him making fun of someone else the same way he did you?

Maybe when I'm healthy and strong, I'll be able to. But I'm not there yet, and I don't think anyone just 'gets there' without reconciling and recovering from the past.

Fortunately, my friend and I were just talking about psychological wounds - not being 'good enough' and being made fun of for our accomplishments. Thankfully, neither of us had to deal with physical or sexual abuse.

So, is it fair, then, to restrict your family interactions while you heal? I think it is.

But I also think maybe some things you can't overlook - physical/sexual abuse, for instance. For me, physical danger and excessive, deliberate psychological abuse all are grounds for being subtracted from family.

Family | Family Problems | Abuse

A Better Thanksgiving in 2008

My Thanksgiving was so unbelievably horrible, my husband and I have decided to start a new tradition next year: Leaving town.

Here are our ideas for a new family (meaning, just the three of us) tradition for next year:

1. Thanksgiving with the Mouse. Disney is such an artificially pleasant place - and frankly, I could do with some forced pleasantry during Thanksgiving. After all, it sets the tone for the whole Christmas season. And believe me, I have no Christmas joy after this year's Thanksgiving. So, my logic is: Forced joy = Joy through the Christmas season. Actually, one year we spent the week before Christmas in Florida and visited Disney and it just brightened up our whole Christmas. Also, I figure once our daughter's married, there's no way her spouse's family can compete with a Disney vacation at Thanksgiving. But then again, we might get stuck with Thanksgiving and his family would get Christmas, which would just piss me off no end. So, maybe not. (You have to think ahead when planning new family traditions.)
2. Thanksgiving in New York - why not? Book the package, see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade up close and personal, stay the weekend and enjoy the Christmas lights. I recognize we may not want to do this every year, but it's my hands-down favorite for next year.
3. Thanksgiving in a different state, starting with Maine - or New York (see number 2). My least favorite, because once you finished with the original 13 colonies, I think it'd get pretty dull. Except for Florida, California and Hawaii. They'd be awesome. On the other hand, my daughter will be 5 and she'd be 18 by the time we finished the colonies. By that time, we'd have a long track record of not being home for Thanksgiving and could perhaps slack off a bit and do something more fun. And maybe we'd have more money to do something wild - like buy a time share for Thanksgiving in Hawaii. Aloha!
4. Thanksgiving in a cabin far, far away. As in, the Smokey Mountains, the Poconos, or possibly the Rockies.
5. Thanksgiving Abroad. No turkey, but no relatives either. We could revisit all the places the Pilgrims fled. It'd be very educational.
6. Thanksgiving in our new home state - of any-place-but-here.
   

Actually, I did enjoy seeing my extended family Friday night at my grandmothers. And my daughter loved playing with her cousins - well, second cousins, but they're all she has in terms of young relatives.

Thanksgiving | Family Problems | Surviving Holidays

Thanksgiving: Hunker Down and Get Through It

I know this is a blog focusing on family, and in the past, I've had a tendency to focus on the potential of family more than the realities. But this holiday, I've got a bad case of the humbugs.

And, frankly, I'm just hunkering down to get through this hap-happiest time of the year. I do harbor hopes my attitude will improve before Christmas, but it's just too late for Thanksgiving.

The thing is, all is not well in Extended Family Land and the holidays are just forcing togetherness at a time when we'd be better off left alone. The truth is, the thought of the whole thing makes me queasy.

I'm not alone, as I recently discovered during a conversation with my mother.

Just last night, I learned my sister's new boyfriend would be joining us. Every year, there's a different stranger sitting beside my sister at the Thanksgiving table. At a time in our lives when we barely see each other, it's disconcerting to navigate dinner conversation with a stranger. To me, it just adds to the strain. I never brought boyfriends to holiday dinners and can't understand why she feels the need. Sure, he might become a member of the family one day - but, frankly, we've thought that about every guy she's brought to holiday dinners and let's just say the odds are against him.

My mother contends it's because my sister - who is the baby of the family - is the only one not married and that she has a right to bring any friend she wants to the family meal. And since it's my mother's house, what can I say, except the same was not true about my friends. "This is family-time," I was told very sternly. "Haven't they go their own family?"

But I digress. The point is, when I said the boyfriend made me anxious, my mother informed me she gets anxious having all of us to dinner. My father and she agreed that it'd be a 'successful' holiday if we could all get through it without fighting.

Which made me wonder, "Then why are we bothering?"

I mean, really. No one's looking forward to it. Everyone sees it as something to survive. Why bother? Why not just cancel Thanksgiving? Christmas will come soon enough as it is, and I know I'm not getting out of that one.

I realize this is not the holiday tripe I'm supposed to think. And it definitely doesn't reflect a positive mental attitude. But one does wonder: Are we just all in this because of our misguided ideas about family and it's importance? If we only see each other because we 'have to,' because it's a holiday, then is family really important? Or are we just playing at family?

It'd be nice if the solution were as easy as, "Just don't go." But the truth is, doing that would generate all this weird angst around the holiday table that would have ramifications through my mother's birthday and Christmas. It's easier to just endure.

One thing is clear: I don't want my own family - my husband and child - to be this way years from now. We've got to redefine the day for ourselves - cut loose somehow from the situations that make us grimace with anxiety and feel we're 'enduring' the holiday. Wouldn't it be wonderful if, some Thanksgiving in the future, we actually felt glad and grateful for a day to be together?

But not this year. So, until that fabled time comes when we're actually thankful to spend time with family, check out Mahalo's "How to Survive Thanksgiving Dinner with Your Family." You might also enjoy my post on Toxic Relatives from last November.

See you on the other end of the turkey!


Thanksgiving | Family Problems | Surviving Holidays

How Many Children Go Hungry in Your State?

Do you know how many households in your state are considered "Food Insecure?" Do you know how many children are living in poverty? Find out by visiting America's Second Harvest's Child Food Insecurity Statistics Map.

While you're on the site, join the Hunger Action Center.


Hunger | Children

Where Did the Time Go?

One of the more ironic aspects of writing this blog is that sometimes, I don't have time to write it, particularly if I want to spend time with my family. So, if you see long gaps, that's why - that, plus my innate tendency to like TV and surfing the Internet.

My hope is that I'll be more disciplined and a more faithful blogger once my Tidbit starts school - but that's still nearly a year away.

The realization that she's headed to school - and won't need me at home full time - is sending me into an identity tail spin. I simply can't decide what happens next. Among the ideas bouncing through my head:

• Have another baby. I've always planned for two, but for a lot of reasons, that didn't happen and it's a really hard choice for me. Pregnancy just about kills me. And yet...
• Go back to school or work full- or part-time.
• Take a year off and get in better shape.
• Really dig in and work hard at my freelance career. (Complicated, since she won't be in school year round and clients aren't likely to understand I need summers off!)
• Try to start a new and different business that the whole family could participate in.
• Try to launch a mega successful blog and/or write the next Harry Potter.
• Keep going like I'm going now, same part-time freelance work, and just accept there are some things in life we'll never afford - such as retirement.
  

Right now, I spend a lot of time debating the merits of becoming a teacher versus continuing as a freelance writer. I'm even exploring getting a masters in teaching.

I've been reading "101 Secrets of Happy Families" off and on - it's one of those books you can read that way, since it's really more a series of short essays than a book. Anyway, one of the items is that Happy Families determine what they should do - not what they want to do. In other words, you stop focusing on your wants and on what needs to be done, what should be done, to further the family. This has been somewhat helpful. After all, I should do something that brings in money, adds to our future financial security and lets me still be home with my child as much as possible. So, when you look at it that way, I should be a teacher, since then my schedule and my daughter's schedule would be the same and I'd have a regular paycheck and retirement and even my own health insurance. Plus, I think I might actually like it.

(Go ahead - post about how teaching is a calling. But I know people who teach and didn't feel called. And they're good teachers. Great teachers, even. So, you may feel it's a calling, but that doesn't mean the rest of us have to. Yes, yes: I realize it's not just days with kids and summers off - I know there's a lot of work involved, including long nights of homework and prep, so just back off people! I've got an eraser and I'm not afraid to use it!)

But then again, the book says happy families support each other in achieving their full potential. And for me, I've always dreamed of being a writer. Not the kind of writer I'm being now, I'll grant you. But nonetheless, a writer. While I could be a teacher - and really enjoy it and work hard to do it well - it's not my dream.

If only my dream job came with full retirement, full salary, the ability to write what I really want and summers off: Then we'd be talking. Instead, I'm pretty much a freelance writer just to be called that. I don't really write about anything I care about. Sad, huh? I just write to pay the bills - the writer's equivalent of taking in laundry.

And then there's this question: Which is a better role model for my daughter? Should I pursue my dream or be a responsible adult and get a real job that helps my family. After all, her father has to work at a 8-5, 40-hour a week job that's less than his dream. True, he wanted to do what he does, but I'm sure he'd love to be working from home in his pajamas, spending summers with her, too. Where do I get off thinking I'm entitled to such liberty? And do I really want to raise her with these kinds of expectations?

I am working. And I'm pretty happy with my salary - though full-time work would be better and allow us to buy lots of opportunities. Not stuff - I don't want just stuff, like huge TVs or expensive cars.

But, for instance, we want to camp as a family. I feel camping is a fantastic way to teach our environmental values to our child and bond as a family. It's also something my extended family does together. But this year, I aged out of tent camping. I just can't do it anymore. I ache too much - and we've tried everything. Plus, my daughter hated it.

So, to camp, we're going to need some form of camper and a different vehicle for toying. Right now, that means we're just not going camping because we don't have the funds for all that. And I'm not sure when we will, as long as I'm freelancing.

Freelance writing worked while my daughter was young. But long-term, I'm not sure what I do now is the best bet for me or my family.

Wow. Talk about a tangent. Not my usual type of post. But there you have it: Do you follow a career that's your calling or choose a career that most helps you further your family's goals and lifestyle?

Family Therapy Helpful for Bulimic Teens

If you've ever been to therapy - and particularly if you've ever had weight issues - you probably won't be surprised by a recent study, reported by Reuters, that found family therapy is more effective than solo therapy for helping teenagers abstain from binging and purging.

I know I wasn't.

I love my family, but no one can drive me to overeat quite like they can.

Sadly, this is the first time U.S. researchers have evaluated treatment plans for bulimia nervosa in teens. The family-based therapy was broken into three phases:
Phase one: Patients and parents meet weekly for a therapist tot ry to help the parents stop their children from engaging in binging and purging. This phase lasts 2-3 months, according to the article.
Phase two: Begins only after success with stage one. In this stage, the family meets with a therapist every other week and the goal is to put give control over 'eating issues' back to the teen.
Phase three: Therapy is moved to once a month and they attempt to address how the eating disorder affects development processes.

The results beat solo therapy: Thirty-nine percent of the 41 patients in family-based therapy were completely abstaining from bulimic behavior, according to the story. Only 18 percent of the 39 bulimics who tried solo therapy had stopped binging and purging.

This family-based approach, called the Maudlsey approach, has also been used effectively to treat anorexia. You can find therapists who specialize in this approach online at Maudsleyparents.org.

Bulimic | Family Therapy | Mental Health | Weight |

New Autism Resource for Families

If someone in your family has an autism diagnosis, there's a new online resource you should check out. The Interactive Autism Network was created by the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore to connect families with other families and researchers, according to a recent article in the US News & World Report. You can fill out forms detailing your family member's treatment plan and find out more about how effective others view the treatment - though information is kept confidential unless you agree to have it released to researchers.

There's a community section , as well, where you can chat with other families. Within a month, the site has attracted 13,000 members - that's a lot of people who can give you feed back.

I have a friend whose child was diagnosed with autism. This child has a long medical history - she was born a micro preemie, and that means a lot of health problems and developmental uncertainity. She's had surgeries, is legally blind and is developmentally delayed. My friend handled these issues so well, I thought she should've been named Mother of the Year.

But the autism diagnosis was very difficult for her. It took her several months to process it and, more and less, accept it. (Everyone who knows this child has a lot of questions about the diagnosis, including me.)

My point is, autism is a frightening diagnosis because there's so little we know and we associate it with a child turning into some sort of robot that can't love us. But it's more complicated than that. Maybe this website will help doctors and families learn more about what autism is, what it means and what helps.

Family Finances

This month, I've been tackling our family finances.

Thanks to a frugal upbringing, I entered my adult life without debt. My husband, alas, did not. In fact, because he decided to leave the Marine ROTC after receiving two-years of tuition at Boston college, he entered his post-college life with around $60,000 in debt.

He managed to wipe out more than $50,000 by joining the Navy and serving four years as an enlisted man - quite possibly, he ws the only enlisted man at the base who had a four-year degree.

Time and time again, I've read that money is the number one cause of divorce. It really doesn't have to be this way.

There are lots of online resources to help you get out of debt and manage money. And there are different ways of making it work if you and your spouse have different ideas about how to manage money. For years, one of my friends and her husband held separate accounts. They split their bills, each paying a percentage based on income. This worked for them for years. After the birth of their child, they merged accounts but by this time, they were on the same page financially, more or less, and they have an incredibly strong marriage and are financially healthy today.

When I married my husband, we set out to knock out the debt immediately. We went to extremes to do this: One car, beans for dinner, a crappy apartment, no new furniture and thrift store clothes. Of course, the fact that the Navy provided all his work clothes helped a lot on the wardrobe budget. I drew a bar chart on a piece of ruled paper and tacked it to our fridge. Each month, I'd color in our debt contribution, so we could see our progress.

We're debt free - except for our mortgage - and now we're applying those same techniques to savings. Yes, sometimes we still haggle over money, but we're never overwhelmed by our financial situation.

Here's an article to help you if you're dealing with family and financial stress. I particularly like the advice about setting aside money for your basic needs first. I would add a few more tips, though:

• Set aside some money for savings. The rule of thumb is 10 percent, but if you can only save $10, then do that. Saving may seem like a luxury, but it's not. It's the only way to get out of debt in the long run. By creating a savings, you're building a cushion to pay for emergencies without incuring more debt. When we were young, lived in an apartment and had no children, I found that a $200-500 emergency fund would take care of most emergencies. When we bought a house, we needed more like $1000. Now that we have a child, I've realized we need more like $5000-$10,000 to comfortably deal with the myriad of things that can go wrong in a given year. We're not there yet, but we're working on it.
• Decide how much you can pay on debt. If this is below what creditors want you to pay, then contact them and tell them what you will be paying. Really, devote 10 percent of your take-home to debt reduction and find a way to live off the rest. If you have more to spend, then you can try Dave Ramsey's Snowball approach or you can pay down the highest interst debt first. The first is psychologically rewarding and may be the carrot you need to keep going. The second is financially 'smarter' but can be discouraging if you have tons of different bills and collectors calling.
• Cut expenses and stop spending. Some people call this "budgeting." If you hate that term, here's an easy fix for you: Grab some envelopes, get 70-80 percent of your money in cash and then start dividing it into the envelopes. Label the envelopes: Rent, food, gas, utilities, phone, clothes, household. Put more in food than you think you'll need. Not enough for clothes and households? Shop yardsales and thrift stores. Ask for clothes for your birthday. If you run out of gas, walk, carpool or take the bus.
  
• Get another job. Hey, no one should ever be too good to deliver pizza. Not your teen, not your spouse, not you.
  

Passive Agressive Parenting Books - ARGH!

I'm reading "Chores without Wars," a book that purports to turn 'housework into teamwork.' And something's been bugging me about this book but I couldn't put my finger on it. Until now.

After all, the book promises to do away with nagging and shouting and the usual arguments that go along with household work. Sounds great. Who wants to be that person anyway? I mean, I'm pretty sure that's core to the "mom" job description, but if these ladies have a better way, great! I'm all for it. I hate being that way.

First, the book starts by telling me I need to change my behavior and my way of thinking. Right off, that's annoying, because I've spent years trying to be a better me and I've had just about enough of it. It's a lot of work and frankly, the dividends just never came. Instead, people take more advantage of me and I'm a seething teapot of anger half the time because I never say what I really think because I'm trying to be a better person.

And since I've had my daughter, I realize that's all a load of crap. It may make you look nicer, but it makes you much less nice in actuality. It also makes you something of a patsy. And I don't want that for my daughter.

So, right off, I'm on my guard, but I still haven't pinpointed why. All of the above I figured out later.

Then I come to this scene, wherein mother Margie decides to give up reminding her seven year old of his promise to pick up his toys everyday. So here's what she does: She tells him their plan wasn't working, because he's not picking up his toys. He promises to remember - this time for sure.

Margie responds thusly:

'That's great. I'm glad to hear that, but I want to tell you want I've decided to do if you don't keep your agreement.'

You can almost feel the Grinch-like smile.

Lance asks what she means and the books says, I kid you not:

In a friendly tone Margie said, "I'm not going to remind you or nag you anymore. I expect that you'll do what you say. If you haven't picked up your toys by 5:30 each evening, I'll figure you want me to do it. If I do it, I'll put the toys in a box called the Sunday Box and you can get them the following Sunday."

Okay, on the surface, there's nothing wrong there. But after a few tries at this kind of logic, I realized I was turning into that mean girl who smiles at you so kindly just as she slips the knife between your shoulder blades. It's just so...cold and sterile. Like Margie's just waiting for the chance to take those toys.

And the whole book has been like that. You can almost feel how angry Mom is - and rightly so - but the 'better way' touted by the books is to set aside your emotions, smile and come up with consequences, which you then put in like a cold piece of steel. Not a good way to build a team, in my humble opinion.

Oh sure, there are caveats: Let them know in advance. Work it out together. Yadda, yadda. But in the end, every situation boils down to a passive aggressive move by mom. Teen not taking out the garbage? Change the night. Still doesn't do it? Set the garbage bags by the door and refuse to cook the next meal until he's moved it. It reminds me of first grade, where one dude would do something bad and the teacher would punish everyone. It's so institutional.

I'd much rather do it like this:

You know, it makes me really mad that you said you'd do this and you haven't. So I want you to pick up those tosy right now. Fom now on, if you don't pick up those toys when I ask you to, I'm taking them and you'll have to work to get them back. And if you don't miss them, well, I'm going to assume you have too many toys and we can talk about what we need to get rid of.

See the difference? One is emotionally honest and forthright. The other is just...passive aggressive and really mean. One is the person I really am. The other is...the mean girls who picked on everybody in high school.

Plus the book is all about how you're the coach. Have you ever in your life heard a coach talk like Margie? No. Coaches are no-bs kinda people. I think Mom's should be, too. Otherwise, you're just a bit Joan Crawford, aren't you? Yes, my sweetie, you are.

The Pope on Family

Sunday, the Pope spoke about families and what he sees as the biggest threat to the family unit: Cultural pressure.

I'm not sure he and I would agree on what cultural pressures are dangerous, but I agree in principle that modern culture is chipping away at the family unit. For me, the contemporary hazards faced by the family are materialism, overdemanding work schedules, and the pressures to do and have it all, which leads to overscheduled children and parents. It also seems to be that parents are having to work harder just to hold ground. Who has time for family anymore?

Of course, the Pope defines family a bit differently than I do, so he sees threats where I do not.

Family

My Decision: Bring Daughter to Visitation

Sometimes, you need to do what's right for you, even if it means going against the grain of tradition and ceremony.

But what we forget in our culture is that "sometimes" doesn't mean always. Many times, the situation isn't about you at all. It's about what's appropriate if you love or respect another person.

Funerals are a prime example.

I grew up in small towns, and everybody went to the funeral home. You could count on at least one person from every family in your church, most of your school mates and all of your neighbors for two square miles to be at the funeral of your family members. Generally, couples came and left the kids at home, but sometimes, everyone came. Occasionally, people slipped in, signed the registry and left. But you could generally count on a large showing.

Extended family and close friends brought food and people ate at the funeral home, which contributed to a bit of a carnival atmosphere. When my grandfather died abruptly of a heart attack, this was hard on the immediate family, who were in shock and deep grieving. But, they took comfort for years in knowing he'd attracted one of the bigger showings in the county's history, because people respected and liked him so much. When my other grandfather died, it was after a long illness. Then, the food and crowds seemed more appropriate. And we were still glad that so many came.

My point is this: Funerals aren't about your individual grief or even the immediate family's grief. This is an important part, certainly, but the real reason for funerals is for everyone who knew the deceased to honor, celebrate and mourn their life. That's why we respect their wishes in terms of how the funeral is arranged - otherwise, you'd hear more about what the spouse or children wanted.

Obviously, if you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, you should do what you need to stay functional. But if you're just uncomfortable with visitations or funerals, if you just don't like being sad, if you "just didn't know the person," but are good friends with someone in the family - well, then, suck it up and go to the funeral. It's the right thing to do.

That's why I decided to bring my daughter to the visitation. I wanted her to be there, with and for her father. I wanted her to know that death is part of life. I want her to know that it's important to show up when there's joy or pain. And, I wanted her to come because I knew she'd be a comfort to her father.

As it turned out, she was a ray of sunshine for many family members and visitors. She wore a crown to the night visitation that sparkled and gave everyone reason to smile. Her youthful happiness couldn't be contained. She was life in the face of death.

My decision was also based upon the fact that everything I read said she was old enough.

She asked to see "great grandma" - the body - several times, but wasn't sad or frightened. We just told her that she was gone from her body because her body wasn't working anymore. This seemed to make sense to her. We did tell her she was with God and that had made her feel better, but we wouldn't be able to see her because she was with God. She seemed to accept this, although there were questions and we had to go over the whole body-not-working question several times.

We also weren't confined to the funeral parlor. Thankfully, this funeral home had a children's lounge with toys, puzzles, videos and even video games. We spent a great deal of time there and it was truly a blessing for us to be on site without having to sit quietly near the casket the whole time. I hope more funeral homes offer children's lounges.

I did not bring her to the funeral. Why? There were several reasons. First, I knew it would be a ceremony and she's not old enough to sit still for long without disrupting the service. I also knew it would be more emotional and potentially confusing for her. Finally, I felt after several days of being around adults non-stop, she deserved the normalcy of returning to her Mom's Day Out program.

I think I made the right decision, but only time will tell. I'll keep you posted.

Preschoolers | Death in the Family | Funeral |

When You Don't Feel Like Being Family

Writing a blog on family causes you to spend a lot more time thinking about, reading about, and being involved with family.

But sometimes, I just don't feel like being with family. Or even in a family. I want to bury my head in YouTube and forget my obligations. I'm all out of care and just want to be left alone.

I get burned out - and not just from being a mom. I get tired of being a wife, tired of being a sibling, a friend, an in-law - tired of being anything. I just want to be my selfish self.

Most people feel this way and push through it. But I'm horribly self-indulgent when I get in these moods. I really do need to be selfish for at least a day - sometimes more. I need people to understand I'm out of give. Sometimes, relationships don't even seem worth the effort.

When it's really bad, I feel like I'm out of love and I can't see how I'll ever find it again. There's too much heartbreak and too little benefit. I think, "This is just unhealthy and messed up. What am I doing wasting my time here?"

And I start looking for the nearest exit.

It's not always a bad idea. Just because saber tooth tigers don't exist any more doesn't mean our flight or fight response is useless. I'd do better in life to listen to mine more often rather than second-guessing it with my over-developed sense of obligation.

But more often than not, I'm wrong. The truth is, my best memories are of time with family and the deepest happiness I've felt have been because of family.

I need to remember that I'm dealing with real humans, not actors playing roles they've been assigned in my life story.

Just because someone should act a certain way doesn't mean they will or even that they can. And maybe, just maybe, my expectations are too high.

Then I remember love isn't just a feeling. Love is a commitment, a promise. We may not always feel the love, but we have a commitment to love. Eventually, the feeling returns. But in the meantime, the commitment is what pulls us through the rough patches.

During these times, I need to be patient with myself and those I love. I don't have to do extra ordinary shows of affection or go that extra mile - I just have to be there and be committed to staying there.

Eventually, the love always returns.

Family | Family Problems

Death and Young Children

Tomorrow will not be a good day for my family. Tomorrow is the first day of visitation for my husband's grandmother, my daughter's great-grandmother and a truly wonderful, gentle soul.

Even though she died last Wednesday, we haven't seen the body yet. Apparently, the holiday got in the way.

As a mother, my first question is should I bring Little Bit, who's not quite four. Currently, my plan is to bring her for some of the visitation and then take her home. She will not go to the funeral because, frankly, she can't even sit through a church service yet.

I suspect we'll get a lot of questions, so I've sent a bit of time researching how to handle preschooler questions.

My favorite article on the topic thus far comes from Preschooler Today. Grievance counsellors suggest you expose children to the grieving process so they can learn about it and because when you hide your emotions from them, they sense it.

Here are some other articles that were helpful, should any other parents of preschoolers face this issue:

• Death: Answering Your Preschooler's Questions
• Questions about death: What preschoolers ask … what parents answer

Family | Preschoolers | Death in the Family

Caring for Elderly Family Members

The recent death of my husband's grandmother has me thinking about caring for elderly family members. His grandmother had been ill off and on for two years, and most of the care fell to her husband, who, thankfully, is a bit younger and in good health.

He's not alone. A study by the Urban Institute found that people 75 and older provide more hours of caregiving than people in any other age group.

She had two daughters in the area and another daughter that lives away, but teaches and is off summers. She also has a son who lives in another region, but travels a lot with his job. Neither of the two children who live away had been in recently. I suspect late summer was the last time she saw them. Of course, this had been going on for two years, so maybe they thought she'd recover. I'm not sure. It's not my place to judge.

But the situation did make me wonder what role my Hubby and I would play in caring for our parents. My grandmother lived with us for a time after my grandfather's death. Near the end of her life, she lived with my aunt, who had a huge house and could more easily accommodate her. My mother took a leave of absence from her job to be with her during her final month. She also lived nearby and saw her several times a week. Her other children also visited weekly and would spend the day sitting with her. She was never alone. Even before the end, she saw her children regularly.

So that's my model. I know I would do anything to care for my parents - get a bigger house, not work, move in, whatever I can do. But it's easier, of course, when you live nearby. So many families are so spread out and disconnected, I wonder what will happen in these families as their parents die.

My hubby's family is a different matter. He doesn't get along with his stepfather, who never really embraced him as family. Plus, his stepfather has his own son, and I'd assume he'd take care of his father. His mother and he are in touch, but the relationship between our family and her is rocky.

Which makes me wonder what role children should play in their parents care. In cases where the family isn't close - where there have been very real problems, such as abuse, addiction or detachment - should parents count on them to drop their lives and run to help?

Are we as humans obligated to care for family members who didn't care for us when we needed it? And if we don't, who will?

And what about siblings who don't have children? Will I be able to care for my younger brother if he outlives his wife and doesn't have kids? If I don't, then who?

Incredibly, that's what 101-year-old Clarice Morant does. She cares for both her 89-year-old sister and her 95-year-old brother, with limited assistance. Incredibly, there are younger family members - but they live far away and have only stepped in when Morant was hospitalized and too sick to do the job. She recovered and took up the role as lead caretaker.

Most people don't have a Clarice Morant in their lives. And so, many elderly people live alone - apparently without family, such as this woman, who was found strangled after a neighbor missed her.

My friend thinks we are. That's what family does, she says. But I'm not so sure. Yes, in a perfect world, we should forgive one another and love one another and basically be just like Jesus or Mother Theresa or Gandhi. But I'm no saint. And sometimes I like to see karma collect. If my conscious will let me. Something tells me even now that it will not.

I do wonder, though: If this person wanted nothing to do with you while they were of sound mind and body, why do you think they want you rooting around in their life now?

I guess some bridges you just have to cross when you get to them.

Family | Elderly | Extended Family

When a Family Member Dies

Late Wednesday evening, we received word that my husband's grandmother had passed away. She was frail and in ill health - they'd been feeding her via a tube for a week now after she broke the bone under the gum area and couldn't swallow. She was already quite thin and weak, so we weren't expecting much in the way of recovery.

Still, there was no definitive warning. She had just been released from the hospital to a therapy nursing home, where she was supposed to learn how to swallow and walk again. Apparently, she'd just finished a therapy session and returned to bed, where she died without any warning signs.

I fear she died alone, but am unsure. She was something of a mother to my Hubby - she apparently raised him during his preschool years. I'm not sure how to handle this with my Little Bit. We saw her Christmas Day, and Little Bit was afraid of her condition and confused by what was going on. She wanted to know if she'd be all better. I told her maybe - sometimes people did get better. But sometimes, when people got really old and sick, they had to go to God to feel better. And if they did that, we wouldn't be able to see her again.

I don't know if that was a good answer or not. Today, we told her she'd went to God to be better. Little Bit seems to feel this means she'll return. I'm afraid with what we told her after our miscarriage, she's going to be very confused about this whole God/death thing. I want her to feel good about God. I want her to be okay with death - at least until she's old enough to work through it for herself. Some sites I've read suggest not bringing God into it at all, since Little Ones can misunderstand and develop fears about God taking them away. I don't want that.

I guess there isn't a right answer. But I feel like I'm farther away from a good answer than I want to be. Maybe that's because I'm so ambivalent about death and God myself. I wish I felt more certain. I hope she doesn't think I've sold her a bill of goods on God one day. I want her to have more faith than I do, or than her father does. I think it would make life - and death - much easier to take if she did.

Today, I'd planned to report on a book called "New Family Traditions," which presents rituals for the family. There are a lot of good ideas, but I notice there is nothing on dealing with a family member's death. There is a chapter on pets and some ideas for rituals to perform when pets die - but nothing about humans. I find that very odd and, frankly, a disturbing indication about modern values. It's more important to have ceremonies for pets than people.

True, children will lose many pets during their life and there aren't rituals for this. But it's also true that there are a lot of human losses - miscarriages, deaths - among family and friends and even your children's friends' families. Shouldn't there be a small ritual for these losses that looks beyond the normal funeral home visit?

This has come up a lot for us this year. A good friend lost her four-month-old to SIDS this year, and she's struggled to redefine her family, to establish new rituals to remember her son and to help the family heal. Her preschooler is the hardest to deal with, because she simply can't grasp the idea her baby brother isn't going to "finish being dead."

As I mentioned, we had the miscarriage this year. Because I was so sick during the first trimester, I'd told Little One about the baby. She was very disappointed when she learned the baby wouldn't be coming and she still asks me sometimes, "Did we have our baby yet?" We did attend a Walk to Remember, held to remember babies lost in miscarriage and infancy. They had a very nice ceremony where Little Ones could make signs commemorating the lost child and wear them during the walk. Then we walked around a downtown park. We gathered to hear each child's name read - even if it was only Baby Lastname - while a cello played softly. We were given a small silver token with an angle on it and then we all released white balloons into the air.

It was so sad, watching all those white balloons rise and float away like little souls. But it was very healing and I was grateful that they'd taken steps to involve siblings.

Once again, we're faced with questions about handling death in our family. Do we bring Little Bit to the funeral home? The funeral? She can't even be quiet for a church service - and what will she make of so many people being upset? I don't want to hide our emotions from her, but I also don't want to overwhelm and scare her.

I'll be posting more about this in the days to come and welcome any input from readers about handling deaths within the family.

Technorati | Death in the Family