If Every Day Was Just Like Christmas

Every Christmas, I drag out my Elvis Christmas record/tape/CD - depending on the decade - and listen to it over and over and over again. It's the only Christmas record - other than Disco Duck Christmas - my family owned. In fact, in general, my family didn't play records, probably because my dad was always singing and playing his guitar when he was home and my mom enjoyed the quiet when he was gone.

It sounds great - very Mayberry - to have a dad who sings and plays guitar. And it was cool - I love my memories of Dad sitting on the front porch after dark, playing still songs to the stars.

But it's also kinda annoying, especially if you want to have a conversation with the man, or ask him to play with you or any of the other things kids want from parents.

But I love that Elvis record. Absolutely love it.

In the title track, "If Every Day Was Like Christmas," Elvis ponders why we can't be nice and love each other throughout the year. Over the years, I've had different relationships with this question. I use to cry about it and think, "Yeah, it should be like Christmas all year - we should give people gifts and all that!"

Then it just seemed naive and trite.

Now, I'm rethinking it again after reading this Psychology Today article, "Surviving Holiday Hell."

I wrote about it last year, and decided to revisit it to see if there were any ideas for breaking negative traditions and creating new ones. As it turns out, the piece does offer advice about that, noting that when traditions become, essentially, dogmatic, no one enjoys them. They just soullessly go through the ritual - which is why it's a good idea to shake things up, particularly as life stages change.

For instance, if you've had the same Christmas morning ritual since your children were little, and now they're all teens, well, you should reexamine that ritual. It's probably no longer fun.

The article closes with this advice from some expert mentioned in the piece:

Better, he says, if we treat the rest of the year as if it were Christmas. And treat Christmas as if it were an ordeal. Cancel the big show. Don't bother smearing pate on the beef. Simply feed and nurture each other. Then no one will be disappointed.

I added the italics, because it really stood out to me as a way to rescue a holiday which, frankly, mostly feels like drudgery.

And I realized that part of the reason Christmas has been hard, too, is because we don't treat ourselves well during the rest of the year and it all comes to a head with the added stress of Christmas. In other words - we just notice at Christmas because all the bad stuff happens at the same time.

An example:
You have a problem saying no - to work, to your mother, to your mother-in-law and to your friends. All year, you're under a low-grade stress because of this, but generally, they don't all come calling at once and you manage. But at Christmas, they all put demands on you. And it's too much so you crack. "Enough!" You yell. "Why is Christmas so miserable?!?"

Well, clearly, if you'd had some boundaries in place and said no to some people all year, you wouldn't be under so much pressure now. Because they'd all know better and be used to your boundaries, plus you'd have a year of practice in for saying no.

You can apply this to just about any problem that 'seems' to be an issue at Christmas: Weight problems and overeating; overspending; poor organizational skills; an inability to delegate; poor household management - all come to a head during the holidays because you've added a deadline - Christmas - and pressed all the pressure points at once.

So: What if, next year, everyday were just like Christmas in that you nurtured yourself and your family - ahead of everyone else? My guess is, by the time Christmas did come around, you'd:
a. Know how to take care of yourself and your family so that
b. You'd be able to give more joyfully and
c. You'd know when to stop giving and start saying no.

Family | Holidays | Christmas | Elvis

Another Approach to Ending Hunger

Earlier, I shared how Harvest's Backpack Program is feeding children who might not get enough food over the weekend.

Mark Winne, the former director of the Hartford (Conn.) Food System and author of "Closing the Food Gap: Resetting the Table in the Land of Plenty," offers a very different take on food and programs like Second Harvest. In a recent Q&A with the Washington Post, Winne answered readers questions about his apparently controversial position about food banks:
What I am saying is that we cannot end hunger unless we end poverty; food banking as well as other antihunger programs do a good job of managing poverty by alleviating its worst symptom, hunger. While antihunger programs remain necessary for the time being, they have strayed too far from, and in some cases never acknowledged the need to end poverty.

From what he's saying here, I don't see that he's against food banks, per se. He - and others - just feel that food banks aren't the only answer, but too many people view them as the answer. Food banks were never designed to provide a long-term solution: They're to combat emergency needs, but increasingly, they've become the only solution.

Winne doesn't offer easy solutions, but he tackles some tough questions and he's raising touch challenges about what it will take to end hunger in our more-than-wealthy nation. He argues that it's going to take public policy - not just private handouts.

This piece doesn't yield itself to easy action steps, but here are the action steps I saw in the piece.

Make It Happen:

1. Support food banks and other emergency programs, but realize they aren't an end in and of themselves. It's time the U.S. looked at long-term, real solutions, such as giving a living wage to all workers.
2. If you work or volunteer for a food bank or soup kitchen, examine what government policies you can support that will create long-term, sustainable change for your clients. Winne recommends the Oregon Food Bank as a model.
3. If you're involved with any charity, make sure the group empowers those it helps to be part of the solution.
4. Winne urges that we "support community economic development strategies that will bring good paying job to poor communities."
5. Winne also suggests communities work to establish new supermarkets in low-income communities. Local markets give people access to lower-priced and healthier foods, plus they create jobs.
6. He also suggests supporting health care for the uninsured.
7. Do what you can to establish or support job training programs for the unemployed.

Public Policy | Hunger | Mark Winne | Living Wage

How to Join the Backpack Program

As promised, I emailed the national coordinator for the Backpack Program, Dave Blair, and he very kindly replied with instructions on how to find out more about programs in your area. If you've just joined us, you can learn more about how the Backpack Program helps feed hungry children when they're not in school.

Here's what he said:

America’s Second Harvest is a membership organization, and all of our national programs and services are provided through our Member Network of food banks and food rescue organizations. I recommend that you readers contact their local food bank and they will have more information about what is happening on the local level. Please advise them to follow these steps to identify the nearest America's Second Harvest Food Bank:

• Go online to www.secondharvest.org
• Enter your zip code in the “Find Your Local Food Bank or Food Rescue Organization” section of the homepage

You can also email him.

A Backpack Filled with Food and More

Since I've become a parent, any story about children suffering causes me to cry. It's just unfathomable that we as a society should tolerate children being abused, neglected or hungry.

Okay - it makes sense to cry about something sad. So would somebody tell me why I teared up when I read this beautiful Shreveport Times story about a Louisiana program that makes sure children don't go hungry over the weekend?

No doubt you've read that for many children living in poverty, the only real meal of the day is often their school lunch. This is a real problem for schools, families and communities. Any parent can tell you that there are two factors certain to bring about a melt-down in any child, at any age:
1. If they haven't eaten in a few hours.
2. If they didn't get enough sleep.

If my daughter starts crying and throwing a tantrum, without fail, I can trace it back to one of these two things - and, most frequently, it's because it's because she didn't eat enough or has skipped a meal or snack.

To help, the Food Bank of Northwest Louisiana also offers dinner for children in the Ingersoll Elementary School after-school program four days out of every week. According to the article, approximately 96 percent of Ingersoll's students receive free or reduced-price lunches.

But teachers soon began to notice that children were returning to school on Monday too irritable and tired. They were pretty certain those children weren't being fed adequately over the weekend.

The Food Bank obtained a $10,000 grant from America's Second Harvest to start a new initiative called the BackPack Program. Each Friday, 85 children are given a backpack filled with seven to 10 healthy food items - all kid-friendly. They return their empty backpacks on Monday morning.

The school immediately noticed the students behaved better - decreasing behavioral problems for the school - and were more attentive Monday morning. The Shreveport Times quotes program coordinator Kimberly Page:

"If a child is hungry, you can't keep their attention. The only thing they're thinking about is what time is lunch? They're just acting better."

The Food Bank also has a unique partnership with the Shreveport Job Corps that ensures an additional 120 children are fed each day through another America's Second Harvest program, the Kid's Cafe.

Unfortunately, the grant - as many grants are - is only for launching the program. To keep it going for another year, the Food Bank will need to come up with $150 per backpack.

The article doesn't mention this, but this is a national program that originally launched in Arkansas, according to America's Second Harvest. It's offered in 39 states, plus Washington, D.C.. The program distributes up to 35,000 backpacks each week nationwide.

Donate to America's Second Harvest. Charity Navigator, which rates charities on their financial effectiveness and efficiency, gave America's Second Harvest four out of four stars. It also notes that only half a percent of their money goes to administrative expenses, 1.3 percent goes to fundraising, with a hefty 98 percent going to fund programs.

Make It Happen:

1. Here's what David Blair, who runs the Backpack Program, had to say about how to make this happen in your community or how to support a local program.
2. If you know of a child in need, help the child and family connect with these services. Remember, too, that behavior and attention problems could be an indication a child's nutritional needs aren't being met.
   
3. Contact your local food back to see if there's a Kid's Cafe. These cafes often need volunteers to serve food or just help with the children. I found a local Cafe by just googling my city, state and "Kid's Cafe." My local cafe also needed donations of paper plates, cups, napkins and dinnerware, so you may be able to make a donation if you can't volunteer.
   
4. Find out how many children are living in poverty and considered "Food Insecure" in your state by checking America's Second Harvest's Child Food Insecurity Statistics Map. Publicize these numbers by sharing them with friends, posting the information on your blog, writing a letter to your state and federal representatives, sending the stats to your clergy, a local columnist or reporter, or even putting them in your family holiday letter this year. While you're on the site, join the Hunger Action Center.
5. Support expanding the bi-partisan "Simplified Summer Food Service Program."
   

Children Learn When They Pick a Theme

Most schools - particularly in the primary and middle school level - do adopt themes or units for study and they use these themes across the curriculum - which, in English, means they use the theme in all classes and subjects. So, if you're theme is "the forest," you'd read stories about the forest in literature, study trees in biology and do some sort of tree-related math problems.

But the faculty at the Robert Mellors Primary and Nursery in Arnold, Nottinghamshire, had the clever idea of letting the children pick the theme. But I think the key difference is how far the teachers and the administrators take the theme.

This year's curriculum is based on Harry Potter. Now, they could just throw up some posters, call one grade Gryffindor and another Slytherin and maybe mention Harry Potter here and there. But they just went crazy with it. I'm completely inspired by how they're translating that in the classroom. They even have a math incantation the students say before solving problems - and of course, the kids love it and are actually learning math.

You can find a list of class lessons at the end of the Daily Mail article about the school. They even incorporated it into PE!

But has all this play and fun translated into a better school?

Yes. In fact, I'd call the transformation "magical." Previously, the school ranked in the nation's bottom 25 percent, but in the three years since the children started picking the curriculum theme, the school jumped to the nation's top 5 percent. Impressive.

It's important to note this isn't just about Harry Potter. It's about letting the children determine the context for their education. Past themes included the Titanic, Africa and Princes and Princesses.

Make It Happen:

1. Share this news story with your child's teachers and school officials. Share this news article with other parents.
2. Find out whether your child's school has themes or units and think of ways you can support the school in using the theme. Maybe there's a special presentation related to your job or some skill or talent that you could share?
   
3. These things take money. Did you know in poorer schools, teachers often buy their own supplies and supplies for the children as well? Even if your child's school has tons of money, you homeschool, you don't have a child or your children aren't in school - advocate for school funding. So offer to organize a supply drive during the holidays for the school.
   
4. If you're opposed to public education funding, consider this: Can everyone homeschool? Would private schools really be able to offer education to all the students now served by public schools?
   

(Story found via The Good News Network.)

Setting a Theme for Your Family in the New Year

Remember in A Christmas Story, where the teacher says the class has to write "A Theme!" and everybody groans?


Truth: I love a good theme.

I always wind up thinking about New Year's Resolutions early - probably because during the holidays, I think of about 1,000 things I should change or would like to do, "once Christmas is over." But this year, I've decided my family is going to try something different: We're not going to set New Year's Resolutions. Nope, not going to do it. It's too much stress and they seldom work out.

Instead, we're going to set a theme for the year.

I shared this approach in a September post, after reading, Goal-Free Living: How to Have the Life You Want NOW! by Stephen M. Shapiro. The idea is that instead of setting goals - which let's face it, are so type-A and stressful - you set a direction for yourself, a compass, if you prefer. This compass then guides your overall decision making. For instance, if you've chosen "Adventure" for your direction, you wouldn't take your vacation in the same old local. You'd pick a new place, or maybe go for an adventure vacation package.

One couple translated this into a yearly theme. Each year, they picked a different theme and went after it in every aspect of their lives. For instance, during the Year of Exploration, the woman spent the year exploring her potential as a writer and starting her first book.

I love this idea for families, because it can guide so many of your day-to-day decisions, as well as your big lifetime decisions. And it's so easy to do - just decide what you really want more of in your life. For instance, we really want more fun in our lives. We get too serious, to embroiled in what we "should" do, and fun gets pushed to the side. Not surprisingly, my husband and I are experience a bit of drudgery in our lives. The remedy: More Fun and Freedom - permission to have fun and be free from worry, free from constant work, free to do what we want to do.

So, we've already agreed on our theme for the coming year: Fun & Freedom.

Carnival of Family Life Up

The new Carnival of Family Life is up at On the Horizon. It includes a recent Time for Family post, "A Community Makes Time for Family."

I particularly liked the section on Holiday gift ideas, including a list of lead-free toys. Check it out.

Quick Tip: Christmas Lights and Coco

Want an easy, low-stress family tradition for the holidays? That's right - I said "easy, low-stress" and "family tradition" in the same sentence.

When it's dark tonight, instead of plopping down in front of the TV, do this: Mix up some warm coco, put it in a thermos - or sippy cup, if you've got a preschooler - and head out after dark for a car tour of the neighborhood or downtown Christmas lights.

If you've thought far enough ahead, pop in a CD of seasonal songs, but chances are, carols are already playing on the radio.

One caveat: If you have a DVD player in your car, be sure to turn it off!

Some cities even have parks that host light displays, but these cost money and, well, driving around neighborhoods is relatively free - minus the $3 a gallon gas prices, of course. Plus, every town has those neighborhoods were people go all-out. Why not enjoy their creativity for free?

If you're up for it, and live in a neighborhood that loves to decorate, you could bundle up and go for a walk instead.

Christmas: Time to Heal?

Given my humbuggery about Thanksgiving, I suppose it's only karma that I stumbled onto this article, "The Purpose Driven Christmas," by Rick Warren, author of the Purpose Drive Life and similar titles.

One of the ways Warren suggests we add meaning to the holiday is to "Make It a Time for Personal Growth," which has a very specific meaning for him. He challenges us to look at who we need to forgive and of whom we need to ask forgiveness. He writes:

Resentment always hurts you more than the person you resent because bitterness keeps you emotionally stuck in the past. Let go of those hurts and remember this: The most valuable and significant gift you can give anyone this Christmas is your forgiveness, because it will allow you to grow.

Obviously, I've got some forgiving to do. The question for me has always been how? To tell you the truth, I've never found that real forgiveness - where you can give as you did before the injury - happens easily or often. People forgive in that they let go of the anger, but they don't give up the fear, the mistrust or the pain. I think if you're really going to forgive, you have to do that as well. And that's damn hard to do if someone keeps hurting you by doing the same thing.

Here's a little secret: I'm trying a new form of therapy that's supposed to help you do exactly this. It's called EMDR, and I started going for post-traumatic stress disorder from the Oklahoma City bombing.

I'll be honest with you: If I'd walked into a therapist's office and she tried EMDR, I'd probably walk right out or never go back. But I have a psychiatrist friend who's been using it with his patients, and he reported nigh-miracle results: People off their medicines, completely different, happy and well-adjusted in a very short time. Then a friend tried it and it seemed to work for her.

After years of struggling with depression, always being on medicine and never getting very far in therapy, despite three therapists and years of work, I thought I'd give it a try.

And it seems to be working. Really, really well. Even my husband agrees.

So far, I have been able to 'let go' of a lot of pain and anger. What's nice about that is I can come from a place of strength and resolve without feeling all ick inside about it. You know what I mean: The nervousness, the anxiety. No, in the situations where we've done EMDR, I can just be myself and feel okay and not have to worry about it. I remember everything - but it's all clearer and in perspective.

Sometimes, like over Thanksgiving, I still get knocked down, but so far, it's always been in an area where we're still doing the work or a new area I've never tackled. It turns out, some of this depression stuff goes way, way back. Surprise. Maybe when we're finished with the EMDR, I won't have to write posts about 'subtracting' family members. Although, you know, after EMDR, I really have no guilt about cutting off some very dangerous, destructive family members. Previously, it was very hard for me to opt out - I felt guilty, as if I should make it possible to see them over the holidays, even though they didn't respect our requests, our rules and even potentially were a danger to my child.

If you're really struggling to forgiveness, depression, anger or anxiety, why not find an EMDR therapist and try. Be prepared to give it at least two months before you see results. And realize that you'll actually get worse before you get better. That's what happens when you dig up bones.

Hopefully, by Christmas, I'll be able to manage some forgiveness under the tree.


Family | Family Problems | Holidays

Prayer for A Lifetime

I used to post prayers regularly, but I got out of the habit. Mostly, because religion has fallen off my radar in the past year. Sad, but true.

I found this great prayer at The River and the Vine and thought it was worth sharing:

O God, when I have food,
help me to remember the hungry;

When I have work,
help me to remember the jobless;

When I have a home,
help me to remember those who have no home;

When I am without pain,
help me to remember those who suffer,

And remembering,
help me to destroy my complacency;
bestir my compassion,
and be concerned enough to help
those who cry out for what we take for granted.

Amen.

-Samuel F. Pugh

You can find another great Thanksgiving prayer, sermons and other religious writings, at The River and The Vine, a blog written by Rev. Cynthia O'Brien of the Smith Memorial Presbyterian Church, Fairview, Oregon, and the Presbytery of the Cascades.

Defining Family: When to Subtract

When I started this blog, one of the topics I wanted to explore - and I listed it right in the masthead (see, above this post) - was what it means to be a family. And I think a big part of that is defining family.

I'd never looked up the definition for family before because I thought I knew it. It turns out, I was surprised by how limiting the first entries or so are. I'm posting the first seven, because the rest don't apply, since they move in the idea of larger, official families (the family of Romantics, for instance). Dictionary.com defines family as:

1. parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.
2. the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.
3. the spouse and children of one person: We're taking the family on vacation next week.
4. any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.
5. all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.
6. Chiefly British. approved lineage, esp. noble, titled, famous, or wealthy ancestry: young men of family.
7. a group of persons who form a household under one head, including parents, children, and servants.

For me, family has always been extended to definition four - any group of persons closely related by blood - and, frankly, their marriage partners as well.

I now see that's just a huge definition - no wonder 'family' makes me anxious! The family I carry around in my head is just too darn huge to feel like family.

You'll note the first three definitions are much smaller, essentially composed of the traditional, nuclear family: A parent and offspring.

Why all this defining of family?

Honestly, I'm pondering whether there are situations - things that happen, circumstances - that make it ridiculously to extend to someone the consideration of family.

In short: Can you kick people out of your family? Can you cut out the dysfunctional and limit who you consider your family to the point of creating a functional group?

If my extended family is so negative as to make me miserable, can I just delete them from my definition of family?

Obviously, in some ways, no. Family is family, and if there's a blood tie, there's not a lot you can do about it. You'll still all be invited to the same funerals, the same weddings, the same 'parties.' You can't control that.

But you can control how you relate to that person and whether or not you accept them as family - whether you continue to 'try' to be a part of their lives, their family.

And if you can delete people - if you can redefine family - then where is it fair to draw the line? I know people who've cut off their family over what seem to me to be nothing. But increasingly, as I move toward a healthier place for myself - I'm seeing that sometimes it's not about what people do so much as how they make you feel. Maybe these families didn't 'do' much to the outsider, but their words and actions, over time, have amounted to an ongoing psychological beating. And who wants to endure that all the time?

I was talking about how a friend might benefit from therapy to deal with some of her family issues. Her father's dead and she said, basically, that every one's parents hurt them - including her father's parents - and you shouldn't hold it against them since they were acting from a place of hurt. I pointed out that this didn't change the fact you'd been damaged and could get help recovering from that. It doesn't have to be about blame.

On the other hand, it occurs to me that it's much easier to 'get over' the pain when the family member is dead. We assume it's because their death gives us perspective, but even now, I understand my dad won't live forever. When your relative dies, they stop inflicting injuries, and you can heal. But while they're alive, they're still causing hurting you - and how can you get over it when just yesterday, your father put you down in the exact same way he did when you were 10? Or when you see him making fun of someone else the same way he did you?

Maybe when I'm healthy and strong, I'll be able to. But I'm not there yet, and I don't think anyone just 'gets there' without reconciling and recovering from the past.

Fortunately, my friend and I were just talking about psychological wounds - not being 'good enough' and being made fun of for our accomplishments. Thankfully, neither of us had to deal with physical or sexual abuse.

So, is it fair, then, to restrict your family interactions while you heal? I think it is.

But I also think maybe some things you can't overlook - physical/sexual abuse, for instance. For me, physical danger and excessive, deliberate psychological abuse all are grounds for being subtracted from family.

Family | Family Problems | Abuse

A Better Thanksgiving in 2008

My Thanksgiving was so unbelievably horrible, my husband and I have decided to start a new tradition next year: Leaving town.

Here are our ideas for a new family (meaning, just the three of us) tradition for next year:

1. Thanksgiving with the Mouse. Disney is such an artificially pleasant place - and frankly, I could do with some forced pleasantry during Thanksgiving. After all, it sets the tone for the whole Christmas season. And believe me, I have no Christmas joy after this year's Thanksgiving. So, my logic is: Forced joy = Joy through the Christmas season. Actually, one year we spent the week before Christmas in Florida and visited Disney and it just brightened up our whole Christmas. Also, I figure once our daughter's married, there's no way her spouse's family can compete with a Disney vacation at Thanksgiving. But then again, we might get stuck with Thanksgiving and his family would get Christmas, which would just piss me off no end. So, maybe not. (You have to think ahead when planning new family traditions.)
2. Thanksgiving in New York - why not? Book the package, see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade up close and personal, stay the weekend and enjoy the Christmas lights. I recognize we may not want to do this every year, but it's my hands-down favorite for next year.
3. Thanksgiving in a different state, starting with Maine - or New York (see number 2). My least favorite, because once you finished with the original 13 colonies, I think it'd get pretty dull. Except for Florida, California and Hawaii. They'd be awesome. On the other hand, my daughter will be 5 and she'd be 18 by the time we finished the colonies. By that time, we'd have a long track record of not being home for Thanksgiving and could perhaps slack off a bit and do something more fun. And maybe we'd have more money to do something wild - like buy a time share for Thanksgiving in Hawaii. Aloha!
4. Thanksgiving in a cabin far, far away. As in, the Smokey Mountains, the Poconos, or possibly the Rockies.
5. Thanksgiving Abroad. No turkey, but no relatives either. We could revisit all the places the Pilgrims fled. It'd be very educational.
6. Thanksgiving in our new home state - of any-place-but-here.
   

Actually, I did enjoy seeing my extended family Friday night at my grandmothers. And my daughter loved playing with her cousins - well, second cousins, but they're all she has in terms of young relatives.

Thanksgiving | Family Problems | Surviving Holidays

Thanksgiving: Hunker Down and Get Through It

I know this is a blog focusing on family, and in the past, I've had a tendency to focus on the potential of family more than the realities. But this holiday, I've got a bad case of the humbugs.

And, frankly, I'm just hunkering down to get through this hap-happiest time of the year. I do harbor hopes my attitude will improve before Christmas, but it's just too late for Thanksgiving.

The thing is, all is not well in Extended Family Land and the holidays are just forcing togetherness at a time when we'd be better off left alone. The truth is, the thought of the whole thing makes me queasy.

I'm not alone, as I recently discovered during a conversation with my mother.

Just last night, I learned my sister's new boyfriend would be joining us. Every year, there's a different stranger sitting beside my sister at the Thanksgiving table. At a time in our lives when we barely see each other, it's disconcerting to navigate dinner conversation with a stranger. To me, it just adds to the strain. I never brought boyfriends to holiday dinners and can't understand why she feels the need. Sure, he might become a member of the family one day - but, frankly, we've thought that about every guy she's brought to holiday dinners and let's just say the odds are against him.

My mother contends it's because my sister - who is the baby of the family - is the only one not married and that she has a right to bring any friend she wants to the family meal. And since it's my mother's house, what can I say, except the same was not true about my friends. "This is family-time," I was told very sternly. "Haven't they go their own family?"

But I digress. The point is, when I said the boyfriend made me anxious, my mother informed me she gets anxious having all of us to dinner. My father and she agreed that it'd be a 'successful' holiday if we could all get through it without fighting.

Which made me wonder, "Then why are we bothering?"

I mean, really. No one's looking forward to it. Everyone sees it as something to survive. Why bother? Why not just cancel Thanksgiving? Christmas will come soon enough as it is, and I know I'm not getting out of that one.

I realize this is not the holiday tripe I'm supposed to think. And it definitely doesn't reflect a positive mental attitude. But one does wonder: Are we just all in this because of our misguided ideas about family and it's importance? If we only see each other because we 'have to,' because it's a holiday, then is family really important? Or are we just playing at family?

It'd be nice if the solution were as easy as, "Just don't go." But the truth is, doing that would generate all this weird angst around the holiday table that would have ramifications through my mother's birthday and Christmas. It's easier to just endure.

One thing is clear: I don't want my own family - my husband and child - to be this way years from now. We've got to redefine the day for ourselves - cut loose somehow from the situations that make us grimace with anxiety and feel we're 'enduring' the holiday. Wouldn't it be wonderful if, some Thanksgiving in the future, we actually felt glad and grateful for a day to be together?

But not this year. So, until that fabled time comes when we're actually thankful to spend time with family, check out Mahalo's "How to Survive Thanksgiving Dinner with Your Family." You might also enjoy my post on Toxic Relatives from last November.

See you on the other end of the turkey!


Thanksgiving | Family Problems | Surviving Holidays

Quick Tip: Family Bonding List

LifeEdit is this amazingly bold blog I stumbled across recently. I found this fun blog post on "50 Easy Family Bonding Activities" and thought I'd share it. If you're looking for a few ideas for this long holiday weekend, check it out. I would caution, however, that not all of the ideas are free or easy, despite what the post says. For instance, item number one - Go Camping - is anything but free or easy, unless you're camping right outside your house in a tent or camper that someone else has already set up for you.

Likewise, as I found out earlier this year, volunteering is rife with complications.

But there are lots of fun ideas here - some new, some forgotten, some just untried. Why not pick one Thursday and give it ago? I'd definitely like to try number 45 - Build a Lego model of your house - provided I can find enough Legos!

Family | Family Bonding

How Many Children Go Hungry in Your State?

Do you know how many households in your state are considered "Food Insecure?" Do you know how many children are living in poverty? Find out by visiting America's Second Harvest's Child Food Insecurity Statistics Map.

While you're on the site, join the Hunger Action Center.


Hunger | Children

A Community Makes Time for Family

I'm reading 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It (100 Simple Secrets Series). I love this book series - each item is only one page long and the books short, so it's easy to pick the book up and put it down.

Number 46 is "Encourage, but Don't Require Activities," and it includes a great idea I thought I'd share.

We've all read how children - especially suburban, middle-class children - these days are over-scheduled. Heck, the whole family is over-scheduled. Obviously, this is not The Biggest Problem in the World. There are much bigger problems - world hunger, war, child abuse. But I think this is a really bad trend for the following reasons:
1. Over-scheduled kids become accustomed to someone entertaining them. They therefore do not take responsibility for entertaining themselves. They are easily bored. All of which makes them easy prey for the entertainment industry.
2. Over-scheduled children and parents don't have time for self-reflection, or even processing what's happening in their lives. This leads to a less thoughtful society, a society busy being busy. This is a Bad Idea because it creates a society that is endlessly self-indulgent and too concerned with its own affairs to worry about real world problems.
3. Over-scheduling doesn't leave time for imaginative play and family bonding.

One school came up with a simple solution: Community leaders and school officials declared the suburb would have a Family Night - one evening a week when nothing was scheduled. No school activities, no homework, no city council meeting, nothing, nadda.

They actually received calls from people asking what they should plan to do on Family Night.

The book quotes one of the originators as saying the idea was to push the pause button on busy suburban lives. The woman, who is named only as Marcia, says:

"Some people say this is just the way it is to be a parent these days. Our community wants to throw out the suggestion that maybe there is a choice. Maybe all these activities and running around aren't in the best interest of your children."

I'll second that.

Action Steps:

1. Start circulating the idea among other parents at your child's school. Ask your child's teacher to consider one night a week without homework.
   
2. Move up: Ask your school or even your school district to support a Family Night. Start with the principal, write a letter to the superintendent and speak to the school board if necessary. Ask for one night a week, but accept no less than one night a month. No homework. No activities. Not even athletic practice.
   
3. Email your city council and suggest it support the idea.
   
4. Pick one: Either write a letter to the editor or email or phone a local newspaper columnist. Columnist and editors always looking for ideas to write about, and you may recruit a powerful ally with this one contact.

Parenting | Community | Schools

Where Did the Time Go?

One of the more ironic aspects of writing this blog is that sometimes, I don't have time to write it, particularly if I want to spend time with my family. So, if you see long gaps, that's why - that, plus my innate tendency to like TV and surfing the Internet.

My hope is that I'll be more disciplined and a more faithful blogger once my Tidbit starts school - but that's still nearly a year away.

The realization that she's headed to school - and won't need me at home full time - is sending me into an identity tail spin. I simply can't decide what happens next. Among the ideas bouncing through my head:

• Have another baby. I've always planned for two, but for a lot of reasons, that didn't happen and it's a really hard choice for me. Pregnancy just about kills me. And yet...
• Go back to school or work full- or part-time.
• Take a year off and get in better shape.
• Really dig in and work hard at my freelance career. (Complicated, since she won't be in school year round and clients aren't likely to understand I need summers off!)
• Try to start a new and different business that the whole family could participate in.
• Try to launch a mega successful blog and/or write the next Harry Potter.
• Keep going like I'm going now, same part-time freelance work, and just accept there are some things in life we'll never afford - such as retirement.
  

Right now, I spend a lot of time debating the merits of becoming a teacher versus continuing as a freelance writer. I'm even exploring getting a masters in teaching.

I've been reading "101 Secrets of Happy Families" off and on - it's one of those books you can read that way, since it's really more a series of short essays than a book. Anyway, one of the items is that Happy Families determine what they should do - not what they want to do. In other words, you stop focusing on your wants and on what needs to be done, what should be done, to further the family. This has been somewhat helpful. After all, I should do something that brings in money, adds to our future financial security and lets me still be home with my child as much as possible. So, when you look at it that way, I should be a teacher, since then my schedule and my daughter's schedule would be the same and I'd have a regular paycheck and retirement and even my own health insurance. Plus, I think I might actually like it.

(Go ahead - post about how teaching is a calling. But I know people who teach and didn't feel called. And they're good teachers. Great teachers, even. So, you may feel it's a calling, but that doesn't mean the rest of us have to. Yes, yes: I realize it's not just days with kids and summers off - I know there's a lot of work involved, including long nights of homework and prep, so just back off people! I've got an eraser and I'm not afraid to use it!)

But then again, the book says happy families support each other in achieving their full potential. And for me, I've always dreamed of being a writer. Not the kind of writer I'm being now, I'll grant you. But nonetheless, a writer. While I could be a teacher - and really enjoy it and work hard to do it well - it's not my dream.

If only my dream job came with full retirement, full salary, the ability to write what I really want and summers off: Then we'd be talking. Instead, I'm pretty much a freelance writer just to be called that. I don't really write about anything I care about. Sad, huh? I just write to pay the bills - the writer's equivalent of taking in laundry.

And then there's this question: Which is a better role model for my daughter? Should I pursue my dream or be a responsible adult and get a real job that helps my family. After all, her father has to work at a 8-5, 40-hour a week job that's less than his dream. True, he wanted to do what he does, but I'm sure he'd love to be working from home in his pajamas, spending summers with her, too. Where do I get off thinking I'm entitled to such liberty? And do I really want to raise her with these kinds of expectations?

I am working. And I'm pretty happy with my salary - though full-time work would be better and allow us to buy lots of opportunities. Not stuff - I don't want just stuff, like huge TVs or expensive cars.

But, for instance, we want to camp as a family. I feel camping is a fantastic way to teach our environmental values to our child and bond as a family. It's also something my extended family does together. But this year, I aged out of tent camping. I just can't do it anymore. I ache too much - and we've tried everything. Plus, my daughter hated it.

So, to camp, we're going to need some form of camper and a different vehicle for toying. Right now, that means we're just not going camping because we don't have the funds for all that. And I'm not sure when we will, as long as I'm freelancing.

Freelance writing worked while my daughter was young. But long-term, I'm not sure what I do now is the best bet for me or my family.

Wow. Talk about a tangent. Not my usual type of post. But there you have it: Do you follow a career that's your calling or choose a career that most helps you further your family's goals and lifestyle?

Back from Vacation

We've just returned from a family vacation to Florida - including a three-night stop at Disney World.

We had an awesome time. Disney really is amazing - though exhausting. We spent the first day at the Magic Kingdom, a humid, hot experience that left us wishing we'd built in a rest day before visiting Epcot. Still, my Little Bit got to visit almost all of the Princesses, plus ride the Dumbo ride twice, so she was happy. She actually became so exhausted, she asked to leave the Kingdom and go back to the hotel early - at 6 p.m.! Instead, she napped in the car and we drove to the Animal Kingdom, where we saw a giraffe, some sort of weird, horned cows and zebra before sitting down to an African buffet that was out of this world.

The next day, it rained mid-day - thank goodness, because that cooled everything off and got rid of some of the humidity that drug us down the day before. We really enjoyed Epcot - if you've never been, go. It's just such a nice change of pace after the Magic Kingdom. There are lots of interactive 'learning' things that you can take at your own pace. I even got to ride a Segway, which I've always wanted to try. We had a dinner with the Princesses in Norway, then enjoyed strolling through the various "countries" during the evening. I was disappointed to learn Epcot no longer had it's amazing closing parade - there's a fireworks show instead. Little Bit hates fireworks - she has some sort of bat-like hearing ability and loud noises freak her out.

Anyway, it was a good time. The next day, we drove across Florida - poor planning, that bit - and spent a few days helping my parents dog-sit in a beach house on the gulf. There was enough rain to give us a break from the heat, but enough sunshine to have a fantastic time. We even saw dolphins - possibly and porpoises - playing off the shore.

Since we'd already pre-arranged much of our vacation, I didn't use the family vacation planning idea I blogged about earlier. But since we were at Disney World and then opted to leave for a much more sedate few days at the beach, I did have to do a lot of damage control with my Little Bit, because I knew the beach would be boring after the Magic Kingdom. I also saw a lot of breakdowns - and endured two myself - at Disney. So here's what I learned about managing little ones during your vacation, whether you're vacation is go-go-go or sit and relax:

1. Always practice damage control. By this, I mean let your little one know each day what the rules are and what to expect. Each night, I'd tell her what would happen the next day, including any rules.
2. Build in conditions. By this I mean, tell them what fun thing they'll get to do - but also tell them when it will end and include a treat if all goes well. If all doesn't go well - then no treat. For example, I told her, "When we come back from the park, if we're not tired and you've eaten your dinner, then we'll go for a short swim in the pool." Another example: "We're going for a short swim in the pool, but it's late and we need to take a bath and go to bed so we can get up in the morning to go to see Papaw and Granny. So, when we say it's time to go, then you get out and come in with us - no crying. If you cry, I won't let you watch a cartoon after your bath." When I forgot to do this, we had a hard time getting her to move on to the next activity. When I remembered, life was much smoother.
3. Make sure one of your conditions is that your child eat - regularly. There was so much to see and do, Little Bit never wanted to eat. She was never hungry - until suddenly, she was a sniveling wreck of a child, totally out of control and inconsolable. I saw a lot of kids reach this state and after the first meltdown, I realized she had to eat regularly or we'd have many more meltdowns. So, we would insist she eat and say we couldn't go do X or Y until she ate. Usually, once we sat down, she ate like she hadn't eaten for months. (I also always gave her food she'd want to eat, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, pizza, fries and fruit.)
4. Don't let an agenda interfere with sleep. Originally, we planned to be at the Magic Kingdom when it opened so we could follow the agenda set out by The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World 2007 (Unofficial Guides). It's supposed to cut down on lines and maximize your enjoyment. But when 11 p.m. came and our over-excited Little Bit was just going to sleep, I turned off the alarm and decided it'd be more pleasant if we let her wake us up and spent the day in a few lines, but with a well-rested child. Of course, it also helped that early October is a low attendance time for the park - which we knew when we planned the trip.
5. Buy a portable DVD player if your car doesn't have one. Also buy a headset so you don't have to hear the movie. This will keep your child quiet and happy - but more importantly, your child will stay awake. Ours quit midtrip. Little Bit slept while we drove - which meant she arrived very well rested and we didn't. This is never a good thing for parents. Also, she didn't want to sleep that night because she slept most of the day.
6. Spend some time at a playground. Kids don't need big amusement parks to be happy. My daughter was surrounded by a place totally catering to all her dreams - and she wanted to hang out at the hotel playground. Playgrounds give you both a chance to decompress.
7. Don't pack a lunch when you go to the beach - or too many snacks. This will force your child to get out of the sun, give you a chance to relax in the air conditioning, maybe watch a little TV and catch a nap. Little Bit wouldn't nap, so we all got in bed, put on some cartoons after the morning at the beach. We got a chance to snooze and she rested a bit, too. Once the worst of the day's heat was over, we reapplied the sunscreen and hit the beach again.
8. For Pete's sake, let the child play in the water. I remember the only thing I really wanted to do, no matter what the vacation, was to play in the pool. So, we included pool time. And when we were in Disney, even though I knew she'd look a mess the rest of the day and be damp for a good 15 minutes in the Florida sun, I let her play in the water. They have play areas with water spouts set up at various places throughout the park. Frankly, it just proves that those Disney people are absolutely brilliant, because it helped the kids cool down and stay happy. There was a nice one surrounding the line for meeting Ariel - you know, the Mermaid? Smart, right? And yet, since meeting Ariel is a photo opportunity, there were parents who wouldn't let their children play in the water. I thought they were crazy - and if they weren't technically crazy, I bet their unhappy, hot children soon drove them to it.

Giving Everyone a Say in the Family Vacation

Here's a good idea from the blog of Doug Boude (Rhymes with Loud): Involve your children in planning the family vacation.

His family recently went to the beach in an effort to promote family unity. While there are always some things the parents need to decide - such as how much to spend and perhaps where to go - it helps to involve the children in decision-making as much as possible.

Doug went a long way toward promoting family harmony during the vacation by having a pre-vacation family meeting. This achieved two ends:

• It gave the children a chance to reach a decision about some things before they pulled out of the drive.
• It gave the parents a chance to outline the trip rules.

We're going on vacation soon, and I'm definitely giving the pre-vacation family meeting a try.

Tuesday Quick Tip: Tea Time

Yesterday was Family Day - a day dedicated to encouraging families to have meals together. I hope you took the time to have a family dinner yesterday, but if you didn't, no biggie - just plan on eating together as a family tonight. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be together!

But I'd like to look at another fine tradition we've lost over time, particularly in America: Tea time.

I don't do this every day or week, or even every month, but every now and then, we all sit down before dinner and have a nice cup of tea, sometimes with a few cookies or lite snacks. While a fruity herbal tea is a great option for children or anyone who doesn't drink caffeine, Little Bit won't drink anything hot, so she has milk, water or juice instead.

Sometimes, I even break out a real teapot and our wedding china.

We sit down in the living room and enjoy a nice cup of tea and chat about our day in a civilized way. Hubby and I almost feel like real adults, and what child doesn't love a tea party? You could even use your child's tea cups if you want to add a bit of zing.

It's a fun, easy way to slow down, enjoy each other's company, and the snack is particularly nice if dinner's going to be awhile. Some even say the practice of tea time contribute to world peace - you may find it increases the peace in your home as well.

Tea can be made in the microwave, of course. But using the more traditional preparation adds a touch of elegance and relaxation to tea time.

For more on why tea time is a great idea for families and tips for preparing tea properly, read this essay by Karen Deuschle, a mother and nurse, on Old Fashioned Living.

If you don't like the idea of tea, think about adding a healthy late afternoon snack, perhaps cut vegetables, salad or soup, as a way to help hungry family members 'make it' until the adults can prepare a healthy sit-down dinner.
Family | Tea | Family Dinner

Five Fun Family Things to Do on a Week Night

I had a tough day at work. A really tough day. It started out with five threatening emails from Germany, the senders of which apparently did not realize that there's a huge time difference between their country and the U.S. They didn't have a leg to stand on, but nobody tries to work things out in a decent manner anymore. They just jump straight to the threats.

It was actually an easily solved problem, but it set a nasty day tone for the day, apparently, since everyone I dealt with afterwards had something hateful or snide to say.

Frankly, by the end of the day, I felt a bit beat up. So, Hubby and I agreed we'd all do something fun tonight. And since I work from the home, I desperately needed to get out of the house.

The question was: What to do?

Recently, our favorite weekday past time has been swimming at a local outdoor pool. It's awesome - the pool is huge and we can all sort of float around aimlessly watching the blue sky and white clouds.

Since it's 96 degrees here, that appealed to us, but alas, the pool closed weeks ago. We wanted to swim at the indoor pool, but it was only open for lane swimmers and classes tonight.

As it turned out, pretty much everything was closed: The amusement park, the zoo, the museums. There are tons of ways to spend your evenings in the summer. But when summer ends, so, for some reason, does the fun.

I understand there's not a lot of demand for weekday family fun during the school year. Children need to go to bed early. There's homework. And of course, there's not as much daylight.

But sometimes, you need to have some a good time and forget your day. You need to break out of your routine. You need a mini-vacation, preferably away from your house.

In the past, we'd probably went for ice cream. But I'm on Weight Watchers now, so I thought it'd be best if we avoided food as the main attraction.

We brainstormed our options and here's what we came up with:

1. Go to Gattiland, or Chuck E. Cheese, or any restaurant with a fun zone where you and the kids can grab pizza and a few laughs. This is what we did. I had a nap while Little Bit and Hubby knocked out a level on Star Wars Legos, then we all headed for the pizza buffet at Gattiland's. Afterwards, we spent $5 and had an hour's worth of fun trying the arcade equivalent of Dance, Dance Revolution, throwing balls, playing air hockey, trying skee-ball and riding an indoor Merry-Go-Round. Hint: If you watch the inside, you actually get more dizzy than if you look outside the Merry-Go-Round.
2. Live near a city? Go for a horse-drawn carriage. Hubby checked - they run all the time in our downtown. Alternatively, you can visit a park and swing or bring your bikes and go for a ride. If you're in the country, go fishing. I loved fishing in the evenings when I was a kid and nothing erases the day like throwing a few lines after dinner.
3. Head outside after dark with some hot chocolate and check out the stars. You don't need a telescope - in fact, my daughter hates our telescope. Binoculars are actually a much more kid-friendly way to view stars and work just as well, if not better, than a telescope. There's also the old-fashioned star-gazing, where you just point out constellations with your finger.
4. Go to a movie. Why not? Some theaters even have discounts during the week.
5. Go bowling. For some reason, bowling alleys are open weeknights. I know it's impossible to get a lane on league night, but often you can grab a lane right after work and bowl a few games before the league players even show up. For children, bowling alleys will usually put up lane bumpers, so the game's not quite so frustrating.

Family | Fun | List

A Better Way to Make Family Goals

I read a lot of self-help and advice books. Stuff about money, organization, goals and so forth. I guess it's sort of a sick hobby.

There are tons of interesting ideas that pique my interest. And I try most of them, but by and large, the recommended actions are very hard to sustain.

But very rarely, I'll read a book and think, "Wow. I can do this. This is really going to change how I live my life."

I happen to be reading such a book now: Goal-Free Living: How to Have the Life You Want NOW! by Stephen M. Shapiro.

I admit it: I'm what Shapiro calls a Goalaholic. You just have to read the December/January entries in this blog to see that. But like most goalaholics, I never reach most of my goals. Some, certainly, particularly the career goals, but no where near most, and particularly not those involving my family. It's very frustrating, ugly cycle. You don't make a goal, you beat yourself up and you set the goal again.

Living your life through goals is also a good way to miss the best in life, Shapiro argues. Even if you achieve your goals, you can miss out on things that you actually wanted more - for instance, he was so focused on career success, he missed the fact his marriage was falling apart. And once the marriage was gone, he knew he'd rather have had the marriage than the great career goal - which he did achieve, by the way.

So, if you don't set goals, what do you do? How do you make sure you don't drift aimlessly through life, accomplishing nothing but an encyclopedic knowledge of sitcoms?

You use a compass, not a map, as Shapiro puts it. This means instead of goals, you set a direction, a theme, if you will. And you change it - as needed, but certainly yearly.

Setting a theme helps guide your decisions in all areas of your life and challenges you to bring more into your life of what you want.

The book offers some examples of themes that various people have used for a year or for their lives:

• Shapiro's overarching map is "to make a massive and visible impact in the world." One year, his theme was flexibility - which meant creating a lifestyle that let him follow different paths. Another year, the theme was platform, meaning a place to express himself - he wrote this book.
• Mark Grossman's overarching compass has been to be part of something bigger than himself, but to be true to himself.
• Another couple followed the following themes: Year of Exploration (She decided to explore her potential as a writer and started a book); the Year of Adventure and the Year of Lightness, (for some calm time, after the year her book was published).

Shapiro explains how you can do this as an individual, but I think the theme idea would work wonders for family. And the idea of setting a compass - an overarching direction - for a family just strikes me as brilliant.

I'll post later with a few ideas on how this could be applied specifically to build family identity and bonding.

Family | Goals | Book Review

It Be National Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Ahoy, Me Hearties. It be National Talk like a Pirate Day. It be a grand, grand idear for yer parents and ye little mateys to be bonding over de dinner table by talking like a pirate. Aye, that sure beats da plank.

Avast! Read up on these fine, fine tips for talking more like a matey and less like the landlubber ye be! Dinner be a grand, grand time for trying out ye new lingo, yer sprogs.

And whilst yer at it, ye be thanking Dave Barry for the idear. Yer can also learn more on about.com, which doth offer links to pirate and wench clothing.

It be a dinner the likes of which yer'll never forget!

Where Can Kids Eat Free?

If you like free food - and who doesn't? - then check out the budding website, KidsEat4Free.com.

Right now, it's restricted to Louisville, Kentucky, but they are taking restaurant submissions from across the nation and hope to quickly grow the site to include other communities. If you know of a local (to you) restaurant that lets children eat free, you can help by clicking on "Recommend a Restaurant" on the left hand nav bar, and filling out the form.

Hey - family dinners are great for bonding and for - I kid you not - keeping your children off drugs. Nobody said these meals had to be cooked or served at home!

Family | dinner | Dining Out

Quick Tip: The Evening Stroll

Fall's easing into my home state, Kentucky. For my money, there is no better time to live here. Gone are the oppressive heat and humidity of summer, replaced by clear air that crackles with energy. The trees are nearly magical in their beauty, caught between the silver greens of summer and the early yellows of autumn.

With the temperature a pleasant 75-85, it's perfect weather for an evening stroll. We've always had plans to make an evening walk part of our routine, but struggled with it. Since I often work late, I usually nap as soon as my husband comes home. Then there's dinner, clean up, exhausted TV watching and, finally, baths and bed for everyone else, work for me.

But that's changed recently. My daughter has finally gotten up the nerve to hop on her bicycle - she was a strictly Big Wheel kid previously. As children will do when they're learning a new skill, she's a bit obsessive about getting out on her bicycle. So every night, we're outside, walking or, in my husband's case, slowly pedaling his bike, while she confidently rides all over the neighborhood.

We're not alone. Since summer's heat has subsided, the neighborhood is alive with families pushing strollers, bicycling with little ones, and fathers and sons tossing footballs.

It's fantastic. I know an evening family walk isn't the most original of bonding ideas - but I think it's also one of those things we realize we could do, but don't do.

It doesn't have to be long. Even a 15 minute outing will increase your health, raise your family happiness quota and remind you of why it's good to be alive. My guess is, once you try it, you'll find it's hard to go back inside.

If you're having a hard time starting the habit, dedicate one week to trying it. My guess is, after that one week, you may be surprised to find you've created a habit your child won't let you forget.

And if that doesn't work, I ran across this Zen Habits post, "Engineer Life: Set Up Habit Changes So It’s Hard to Fail." The writer points out that to change a habit, you need to do four things:

1. Increase positive feedback for the habit you want to form.
2. Decrease positive feedback for what you're doing instead.
3. Decrease negative feedback for the new habit.
4. Increase negative feedback for the old habit.

Family | Time | Exercise

Carnival of Family Life

If you've never checked out a blogging carnival, you'll be pleasantly surprised. I submitted a recent post on playing with your child and it's included in this week's Carnival of Family Life, hosted by Mother Approves.

Fun Blog, Good Advice

Not long ago I stumbled across a relatively new blog, Millionaire Mommy Next Door. She uses treasure maps as a means of growing her money, which sound kooky, but I've used it and find it's a very effective tool for bringing money or whatever into your life. I make no claims as to understanding how it works - I suspect it's because it focuses your brain to look for opportunities, but some people view it as a form of prayer.

Anyway, I wanted to point out an excellent post titled "How to Make Money Management a Family Affair." The title is a bit too broad, since it doesn't really talk about getting the whole family involved in financial decisions so much as it focuses on teaching your child about money.

She mentions you can make a five-year-old a millionaire by 65 with a one time contribution of $9875 OR a monthly contribution of only $57. She provides a link, which also says you can achieve it with a $98 monthly contribution through age 18.

Right now, I put aside $30 a month for a college fund. Not enough, probably, but it should be about $7200 by the time she goes to college, at 8 percent. I'd love to make my child a millionaire, but I also would love to retire. So, maybe I'll focus more on the other tips so she can make her own million!

Family Finances | Money Management | Teaching Children About Money

The Crazy Cost of Family Health Insurance

Did you know premiums for family health coverage have increased 78 percent since 2001?

By comparison, wages rose 19 percent and the inflation rate was 'only' 17 percent, according to this Columbus Business First article.

No wonder my husband's pay raises never seem to result in more money for us. I know it's the insurance, too, because my husband gets his pay increase in March and a cost of living adjust in January. However - the insurance plan doesn't change until July. This year, it ate up his entire pay raise, plus a three percent a cost of living adjust - and then some. Not only that - but our co-pays went up!

The article also included this cheering statistic:

Workers on average now contribute an average of about $3,281, or 27 percent, of their paychecks for a family plan.

Health Insurance | Family Finances

How Parents Benefit from Pretend Play

I hate playing pretend with my daughter.

Yes, th guilt is unbearable, but so is the mind-numbing boredom that comes from trying to make a plastic seal talk to a plastic leopard for an hour. Or making up games for the My Little Ponies to play together, preferably while staying within the confines of your easy chair.

I'm much more of a talker. Occasionally, we'll play ponies and my pony will play by asking her pony what she learned at preschool. She saw through this ruse immediately.

"No!Talk about something that's not real!" She commanded.

Did I mention she's also very bossy when we play pretend?

After talking with other moms and learning that, yes, they too hate these games and avoid them at all time, I decided to give myself a break. After all, I read to her, I take her places, we watch movies together; heck, I even like playing with playdough.

So, who can blame me for avoiding this one particular mode of interacting with my child?

It turns out there is someone who blames me: Little Bit. Not a day goes by - not even an hour - that she doesn't lobby for me to play dolls, ponies, or animals with her. She can spend the whole day at a park, playing with other children, and still look at me with those big browns and say, "Will you play with me during bath time?"

'Why can't we just talk during bath,' I wondered as I pulled out the bucket of bath Barbies and miscellaneous water toys.

That's it hit me: I connect to the people I love by talking. But she connects to me and other people she loves by playing.

Playing isn't just a way for her to entertain herself and have fun. It's her way of reaching out and bonding.

I realized that if I want us to have a healthy mother/daughter relationship, with lots of great mother/daughter talks, chats and bonding, then I needed to respect her need to play with me.

So for the next hour, I happily sat and played the role of a talking baby seal, whose owner is a Barbie mermaid. And for once, I was happy to do it.

Pretend Play | Bonding with Your Child | Parenting

Plans Gone Awry

Since I'm thinking about a five year plan for our family, I reviewed some of my early posts on New Year's resolutions. I have to say, I didn't get very far with them. For instance, I said I wanted to have Soup Sundays and invite in family and friends to dine with us.

I'm sure I wanted to do it at the time. And then we got the flu. And then spring came. And now, I can't imagine why I'd want to tie up myself to my house on Sundays when I could be outside doing something fun!

I also said I wanted us to volunteer and be more active in the community. To some extent, I tried this by volunteering more at our church - with disastrous results. (We're looking for a new church.) Otherwise, we never started volunteering - though I did make efforts to do so. It seems people aren't eager to have a four year old join their volunteer squad. So, that had to wait.

As I start the strategic plan for our family, it's going to be important to remember the idea isn't to create more goals. The point is to create a mission or values statement that will guide our day-to-day and year-to-year choices. That may lead to new action plans and goals may ensure, but the trick is: Goals can change and action plans can fail. A mission statement - which I translate as having an idea of where you want to go and what your values are - should be a more enduring statement of direction.

I think that's part of the reason I didn't achieve many of my resolutions: I didn't have a clear direction, except to spend more time with family and friends. Plus, I didn't ask Hubby to participate in the process. So, while the resolutions are fine in and of themselves, they couldn't stand up to competing interests that better reflect what I wanted to do - or even needed to do - with my life.

Sure I want to see friends and family. And Soup Sundays would be a great way to do that. But it's only one way, and when I really examine it, it's not particularly fun or effective and it actually would compete with other, more important goals - like spending more time with my immediate family and taking care of my own health.

While I haven't had a lot of success with resolutions, my family and I have had success with strategic planning. That's because strategic planning starts with the most important thing first: Define your purpose.

Here are some free online resources we'll be using as we begin this process:
Family Goal Setting: Ready, Aim, Achieve!
Setting Goals: You Can Achieve Any Dream You Desire
Dr. Phil's Five Factors for a Phenomenal Family (good fodder for what to cover and how to achieve your goals)

Family Goals | Strategic Planning | Families

What Will the Next Five Years Bring for our Family?

I am a long-range planner. Every since middle school - at least - I've had a four to five year plan. What do I need to do to graduate high school. What do I need to do to graduate college in four years. Where will my husband and I be when he finishes the Navy in four years. Let's have a house and child within five years.

What can I say? Hubby and I are both strategic thinkers. Plus, we knew what we valued.

Until now.

The truth is, I had a five year plan. I planned to have another child and continue freelancing and working from home until said child turned five, by which time, I planned to have another plan.

But the thing is, you can't plan everything in life. And last year, my five year plan fell apart after a miscarriage. The second child didn't come. And now, we aren't sure it ever will.

And so, for the past year, we've been floating through life, status quo, with no real objectives. We've spent more money than we should on I don't even know what. I've started a job again, but I've no idea if I want to continue to freelance when my Little Bit goes to school full time next year. We have no savings goals, no long-term plans and even our values are confused.

• Do we want to raise our daughter in the country - where I was raised - or city - where we live now?
• Do we want to be nearer my parents?
• Do we want a bigger house in a different location? Or should we stay here and invest more in this house?
• Does my husband want to pursue a new career path or stay put?
• Do I want to homeschool? Should we put Little Bit in private school? Would that be worth the financial sacrifices - and the long-range impact on our savings?
• Do we want or need to relocate to another state? Country?
• Do we want to live frugally and save? Or do we want to not worry about it and just enjoy life with our little one, even if it means adding a bit of debt for a camper and truck?
• Do I want to be a teacher so I can have summers off with my child and a retirement plan? Do I want to go to work full time? Do I want to continue writing? Study law? Get a master's degree? Start a family business?

I just have tons of questions, and no answers right now.

I keep trying to accept that this is a time for reflection and chaos. A time to wait. But that's darn hard, especially when you consider how short five years is. I mean, within five years, we'll have a budding pre-teen on our hands who may not want to go camping with us. We'll be getting too close to my husband's retirement to consider a change. We'll be five years older, and if we're not careful and clear-headed, no farther along financially or professionally than we are now.

How do you solve this kind of dilemma? How do you pull yourself together and find a new direction when all your plans changed suddenly, and without your permission? Especially when life keeps throwing your family curve balls.

In the old days, hubby and I would sit down and hold a series of meetings. We'd used Deming's TQM method to identify our long-term goals. We'd take a few nights and hash out our feelings, thoughts and values. I kid you not. It sounds crazy, but it worked for us, because then we had a long-term plan to guide our decisions.

True, at the beginning of this year I did outline resolutions for this year: Build Family Identity, Show the Love, Become a Healthy Family, Widen Our Family Circle, Be Financially Responsible, Create a Family-Friendly Home. But, those resolutions didn't have specifics. And, they still leave a lot of unanswered questions, such as: How do we want to widen our family circle? How do we build family identity? And what does financially responsible mean beyond no debt?

Right now, my family is so caught up in day-to-day survival (eat, clean, run errands, work, sleep), when we do sit down - we have no idea where to start. All my husband can contribute is, "I'm tired," because he is and he's busy at work and home, and neither of us have time to even think about what we want, much less think about where our family is headed.

And if we do get started, we're quickly interrupted. And repeatedly.

The truth is, there's never a good time for long-range planning - which is why you have to schedule it. When our family didn't include a child, this was much easier than it is now.

I'm thinking we might need to take a weekend and go away to do some long-term soul searching and planning.

I'm going to search for some help on long-range planning for families. I'll report back on my findings.

Family Therapy Helpful for Bulimic Teens

If you've ever been to therapy - and particularly if you've ever had weight issues - you probably won't be surprised by a recent study, reported by Reuters, that found family therapy is more effective than solo therapy for helping teenagers abstain from binging and purging.

I know I wasn't.

I love my family, but no one can drive me to overeat quite like they can.

Sadly, this is the first time U.S. researchers have evaluated treatment plans for bulimia nervosa in teens. The family-based therapy was broken into three phases:
Phase one: Patients and parents meet weekly for a therapist tot ry to help the parents stop their children from engaging in binging and purging. This phase lasts 2-3 months, according to the article.
Phase two: Begins only after success with stage one. In this stage, the family meets with a therapist every other week and the goal is to put give control over 'eating issues' back to the teen.
Phase three: Therapy is moved to once a month and they attempt to address how the eating disorder affects development processes.

The results beat solo therapy: Thirty-nine percent of the 41 patients in family-based therapy were completely abstaining from bulimic behavior, according to the story. Only 18 percent of the 39 bulimics who tried solo therapy had stopped binging and purging.

This family-based approach, called the Maudlsey approach, has also been used effectively to treat anorexia. You can find therapists who specialize in this approach online at Maudsleyparents.org.

Bulimic | Family Therapy | Mental Health | Weight |

Unschooling: An Option?

Tidbit goes to school in 2008. I am not happy about this at all.

I hated school. Still do. It's a ridiculous institution, in my opinion. Where else do we lock human beings up for eight hours, give them 20 minutes to eat lunch, repeatedly tell them not to talk or socialize, and won't let them go to the bathroom when they need to? As my husband said, the big difference between schools and the military is he was given a modicum of respect in the military.

So, I'm considering homeschooling. Except, really, I don't want to be a teacher who uses workbooks and does all the same dull stuff school teachers do. I figured it was out of the question, until I found out about unschooling.

It's about stepping away from the traditional means of teaching and letting kids direct their own learning. Sure, you introduce them to things. You can even throw calculus books in their path. But it recognizes that we learn best when we're motivated to learn a subject - and that motivation doesn't always come right when you enter 8th grade and it's "time" to learn, say, Algebra.

Very intriguing stuff, and I think it could be a great fit for tidbit, who's very self-motivated, but also refuses to learn anything she's not interested in learning.

New Autism Resource for Families

If someone in your family has an autism diagnosis, there's a new online resource you should check out. The Interactive Autism Network was created by the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore to connect families with other families and researchers, according to a recent article in the US News & World Report. You can fill out forms detailing your family member's treatment plan and find out more about how effective others view the treatment - though information is kept confidential unless you agree to have it released to researchers.

There's a community section , as well, where you can chat with other families. Within a month, the site has attracted 13,000 members - that's a lot of people who can give you feed back.

I have a friend whose child was diagnosed with autism. This child has a long medical history - she was born a micro preemie, and that means a lot of health problems and developmental uncertainity. She's had surgeries, is legally blind and is developmentally delayed. My friend handled these issues so well, I thought she should've been named Mother of the Year.

But the autism diagnosis was very difficult for her. It took her several months to process it and, more and less, accept it. (Everyone who knows this child has a lot of questions about the diagnosis, including me.)

My point is, autism is a frightening diagnosis because there's so little we know and we associate it with a child turning into some sort of robot that can't love us. But it's more complicated than that. Maybe this website will help doctors and families learn more about what autism is, what it means and what helps.

Monday Quick Tip: Judging Movies

Ever wonder if a movie is really appropriate for your child?

I mean, every child differs. You can't really say that what one five-year-old loves won't scare your five-year-old into week-long nightmares. And movie ratings are so general, they're useless, particularly since nothing gets a G rating anymore. Almost everything is filed under the ubiquitious PG or PG-13.

Personally, I need a lot more information before I decide whether a film is okay for my child. And I hate those conservative sites that just issue blanket commands about what's good for kids and what's not. Personally, I don't mind my child watching Bugs Bunny. But a lot of fundamentalist and peaceniks do.

Here's what I do: I check out the movie on Kids-In-Mind. It's tag is "Movie Ratings that Actually Work." What I love about this site is that it lists exactly what it means when it says there's cartoon violence or crude language. I mean, down to the actual lines and scenes. It's great.

Thanks to Kids-In-Mind, I can screen for what I think is appropriate, not what some unknown critic with a child-raising agenda thinks is okay.

Family Finances

This month, I've been tackling our family finances.

Thanks to a frugal upbringing, I entered my adult life without debt. My husband, alas, did not. In fact, because he decided to leave the Marine ROTC after receiving two-years of tuition at Boston college, he entered his post-college life with around $60,000 in debt.

He managed to wipe out more than $50,000 by joining the Navy and serving four years as an enlisted man - quite possibly, he ws the only enlisted man at the base who had a four-year degree.

Time and time again, I've read that money is the number one cause of divorce. It really doesn't have to be this way.

There are lots of online resources to help you get out of debt and manage money. And there are different ways of making it work if you and your spouse have different ideas about how to manage money. For years, one of my friends and her husband held separate accounts. They split their bills, each paying a percentage based on income. This worked for them for years. After the birth of their child, they merged accounts but by this time, they were on the same page financially, more or less, and they have an incredibly strong marriage and are financially healthy today.

When I married my husband, we set out to knock out the debt immediately. We went to extremes to do this: One car, beans for dinner, a crappy apartment, no new furniture and thrift store clothes. Of course, the fact that the Navy provided all his work clothes helped a lot on the wardrobe budget. I drew a bar chart on a piece of ruled paper and tacked it to our fridge. Each month, I'd color in our debt contribution, so we could see our progress.

We're debt free - except for our mortgage - and now we're applying those same techniques to savings. Yes, sometimes we still haggle over money, but we're never overwhelmed by our financial situation.

Here's an article to help you if you're dealing with family and financial stress. I particularly like the advice about setting aside money for your basic needs first. I would add a few more tips, though:

• Set aside some money for savings. The rule of thumb is 10 percent, but if you can only save $10, then do that. Saving may seem like a luxury, but it's not. It's the only way to get out of debt in the long run. By creating a savings, you're building a cushion to pay for emergencies without incuring more debt. When we were young, lived in an apartment and had no children, I found that a $200-500 emergency fund would take care of most emergencies. When we bought a house, we needed more like $1000. Now that we have a child, I've realized we need more like $5000-$10,000 to comfortably deal with the myriad of things that can go wrong in a given year. We're not there yet, but we're working on it.
• Decide how much you can pay on debt. If this is below what creditors want you to pay, then contact them and tell them what you will be paying. Really, devote 10 percent of your take-home to debt reduction and find a way to live off the rest. If you have more to spend, then you can try Dave Ramsey's Snowball approach or you can pay down the highest interst debt first. The first is psychologically rewarding and may be the carrot you need to keep going. The second is financially 'smarter' but can be discouraging if you have tons of different bills and collectors calling.
• Cut expenses and stop spending. Some people call this "budgeting." If you hate that term, here's an easy fix for you: Grab some envelopes, get 70-80 percent of your money in cash and then start dividing it into the envelopes. Label the envelopes: Rent, food, gas, utilities, phone, clothes, household. Put more in food than you think you'll need. Not enough for clothes and households? Shop yardsales and thrift stores. Ask for clothes for your birthday. If you run out of gas, walk, carpool or take the bus.
  
• Get another job. Hey, no one should ever be too good to deliver pizza. Not your teen, not your spouse, not you.