Setting a Theme for Your Family in the New Year

Remember in A Christmas Story, where the teacher says the class has to write "A Theme!" and everybody groans?


Truth: I love a good theme.

I always wind up thinking about New Year's Resolutions early - probably because during the holidays, I think of about 1,000 things I should change or would like to do, "once Christmas is over." But this year, I've decided my family is going to try something different: We're not going to set New Year's Resolutions. Nope, not going to do it. It's too much stress and they seldom work out.

Instead, we're going to set a theme for the year.

I shared this approach in a September post, after reading, Goal-Free Living: How to Have the Life You Want NOW! by Stephen M. Shapiro. The idea is that instead of setting goals - which let's face it, are so type-A and stressful - you set a direction for yourself, a compass, if you prefer. This compass then guides your overall decision making. For instance, if you've chosen "Adventure" for your direction, you wouldn't take your vacation in the same old local. You'd pick a new place, or maybe go for an adventure vacation package.

One couple translated this into a yearly theme. Each year, they picked a different theme and went after it in every aspect of their lives. For instance, during the Year of Exploration, the woman spent the year exploring her potential as a writer and starting her first book.

I love this idea for families, because it can guide so many of your day-to-day decisions, as well as your big lifetime decisions. And it's so easy to do - just decide what you really want more of in your life. For instance, we really want more fun in our lives. We get too serious, to embroiled in what we "should" do, and fun gets pushed to the side. Not surprisingly, my husband and I are experience a bit of drudgery in our lives. The remedy: More Fun and Freedom - permission to have fun and be free from worry, free from constant work, free to do what we want to do.

So, we've already agreed on our theme for the coming year: Fun & Freedom.

Christmas: Time to Heal?

Given my humbuggery about Thanksgiving, I suppose it's only karma that I stumbled onto this article, "The Purpose Driven Christmas," by Rick Warren, author of the Purpose Drive Life and similar titles.

One of the ways Warren suggests we add meaning to the holiday is to "Make It a Time for Personal Growth," which has a very specific meaning for him. He challenges us to look at who we need to forgive and of whom we need to ask forgiveness. He writes:

Resentment always hurts you more than the person you resent because bitterness keeps you emotionally stuck in the past. Let go of those hurts and remember this: The most valuable and significant gift you can give anyone this Christmas is your forgiveness, because it will allow you to grow.

Obviously, I've got some forgiving to do. The question for me has always been how? To tell you the truth, I've never found that real forgiveness - where you can give as you did before the injury - happens easily or often. People forgive in that they let go of the anger, but they don't give up the fear, the mistrust or the pain. I think if you're really going to forgive, you have to do that as well. And that's damn hard to do if someone keeps hurting you by doing the same thing.

Here's a little secret: I'm trying a new form of therapy that's supposed to help you do exactly this. It's called EMDR, and I started going for post-traumatic stress disorder from the Oklahoma City bombing.

I'll be honest with you: If I'd walked into a therapist's office and she tried EMDR, I'd probably walk right out or never go back. But I have a psychiatrist friend who's been using it with his patients, and he reported nigh-miracle results: People off their medicines, completely different, happy and well-adjusted in a very short time. Then a friend tried it and it seemed to work for her.

After years of struggling with depression, always being on medicine and never getting very far in therapy, despite three therapists and years of work, I thought I'd give it a try.

And it seems to be working. Really, really well. Even my husband agrees.

So far, I have been able to 'let go' of a lot of pain and anger. What's nice about that is I can come from a place of strength and resolve without feeling all ick inside about it. You know what I mean: The nervousness, the anxiety. No, in the situations where we've done EMDR, I can just be myself and feel okay and not have to worry about it. I remember everything - but it's all clearer and in perspective.

Sometimes, like over Thanksgiving, I still get knocked down, but so far, it's always been in an area where we're still doing the work or a new area I've never tackled. It turns out, some of this depression stuff goes way, way back. Surprise. Maybe when we're finished with the EMDR, I won't have to write posts about 'subtracting' family members. Although, you know, after EMDR, I really have no guilt about cutting off some very dangerous, destructive family members. Previously, it was very hard for me to opt out - I felt guilty, as if I should make it possible to see them over the holidays, even though they didn't respect our requests, our rules and even potentially were a danger to my child.

If you're really struggling to forgiveness, depression, anger or anxiety, why not find an EMDR therapist and try. Be prepared to give it at least two months before you see results. And realize that you'll actually get worse before you get better. That's what happens when you dig up bones.

Hopefully, by Christmas, I'll be able to manage some forgiveness under the tree.


Family | Family Problems | Holidays

We Try It: The YMCA's Healthy Kids Day

Nationally, the YMCA's Healthy Kids Day will be April 14. But for some reason, our Metro Y decided to host the event earlier.

We were pretty excited to have a free, family-friendly event. As it turned out, a lot of people felt the same. And by "a lot," I mean thousands. A half hour past the start time, there was still a line just to get into the stadium parking lot! And a line to get into the stadium, where the event was held.

My first thought: Wrong day. There must be a game.

But then I saw the tiny yard signs indicating that, no, this was the right day. And yes, all these people were here for the YMCA Healthy Kids Day.

So, my first advice: Go early. Or go very late.

As it turned out, the Y staff was just as dumbfounded at the turnout as we were. Who knew there were that many families looking for fun all on the same day? Maybe it was the free t-shirts - which apparently ran out immediately - or the offer of free food -ice cream gone in the first hour, apples gone in the second. But it seemed like every kid in my city came.

The activities were cleary designed for a smaller crowd. The dance and jump rope demonstrations were sidewalk level, which caused a traffic jam with a lot of people standing around, unable to see. The karate demonstration, held on a sloping hill, was a bit easier to see, but it was a bit unorganized and, well, slow, so nobody paid much attention.

There was a half hour line at least for the three blow-up bouncers. We dutifully stood in line with our one child, who, when faced with the grinning catepillar bouncing maze, said, "I don't want to go," and started putting her shoes back on.

Inside the stadium, we found a relay race of some sort. Unfortunately, you couldn't just jump in. The teams were set up ahead of time, which was a huge disappointment to me. Also, the children all seemed to be in the late elementary range, which cut out a huge chunk of the child population.

There were some games involving a football and bean bags, but they only had one of each, which translated into long lines.

The police and firefighters brought their usual State Fair trucks for children to learn about fire drills and meth labs. We had to leave the police truck, because the pictures were a bit horrific for a four-year-old: What does it teach my child to see a toddler with third degree burns from a meth-lab accident? Don't hang out with bad parents? And do parents who run meth-labs go to health fairs? Do they take their kids anywhere near the state police? I dont' think so.

The bicycle obstacle course seemed fun, although, again, too old for my child. And no way was she going anywhere near a fire drill.

It wasn't the best time we've had. And I didn't feel like we learned anything about how to become more active as a family or how to make sure our child gets enough exercise. I mean, I knew there were places we could take karate!

But we did get a lot of free stuff: Two toothbrushes, two packets of peanuts, two cheese sticks - notice a pattern here? They also had lots of free water, which was really smart, especially since they apparently built this stadium without waterfountains.

Final verdict: For us, the best part was people watching and the wonderful weather. We'd also never seen the city's new stadium, so that was interesting. But overall, we wished we'd gone for a hike at a park.

This event offered little for families with young children or teens. It was designed almost exclusviely for the elementary age bracket.

Hopefully, in the future or perhaps at other locations, the Y will find ways to involve children of all ages. It'd also be nice if it were more family-oriented. Let's face it: In cities, which is where the Y tends to operate, children aren't going to be out and exercising if their parents are inside on the couch.

Y We'll Be at Healthy Kids Day Celebration

There's a lot to do this weekend. Catching up on this blog could take me the better part of Saturday AND Sunday.

But, of course, there's really no 'catching up' with blogs.

So, instead, I plan to spend Saturday cleaning, but on Sunday, we're headed downtown for the YMCA Healthy Kids Day celebration.

Officially, YMCA Healthy Kids Day is April 14, but for some reason, our YMCA is holding it early - so I'll be able to give you a sneak preview of what to expect.

Locally, the agenda includes healthy snacks, dance and maritial arts demonstrations - hopefully, the children will be able to participate as well, inflatables and a short run. Local athletes are also schedule to appear.

I must say, this meets all of my criteria for a family event: It's active, educational, fun, and, not only is the event free, there's free food!

Plus, it meets my goal of getting us off the couch and moving!

We'll try it and report back on Monday!